I am Just a Mom with a Blog

Oh how I would love to solve the addiction problem--but I just have no idea how to do it. 

I'm getting so many messages from people wanting help and I simply don't have the answers. I'm not an addiction counselor. I have no qualifications to advise you. I literally am nothing but a mom with a blog. Truly. 

I can tell you how it feels to love your addicted daughter and try to get her help and the horrible feeling when she just blows you off. 

I can tell you how it feels to know your kid is lying to you.

I can tell you how heart wrenching it is to see your own flesh and blood stammer out sentences and have wounds on their flesh that you are know are from drugs and they claim they are "spider bites."

I can tell you how it feels when the first time you take your child to a rehab and you think they are magically going to fix them and they put them on "opiate blocking receptors" or whatever other poppycock names they have---and I can also tell you they don't work.

I can tell you how it feels to go to bed for nearly a week because you grieve someone who is still alive.

I can tell you how it feels when you think you are losing your damn mind when your earrings are missing, or your money is missing, and it just so happens your addict was just there--but they "don't know what happened to it."

I can tell you how it feels to know that you have paid for college to better your child's life and that they have dropped out of school, THREE TIMES...

I can tell you what it feels like to look at the person you gave birth to and almost hate their guts.

I can tell you how it feels to dread answering the phone or door after a certain hour.

I can tell you how it feels like to plan your daughter's funeral while she is still alive. I'm still struggling with whether I use the "softball coaches",  "little brothers"...the "cousins"...the "uncles" or her REAL high school friends (none that ever used drugs with her) as pall bearers. 

I can tell you what song I want played at her funeral, dedicated to her brother...that she picked out.

I can tell you how it feels when she relapsed many times.

I can tell you the pain I feel, as the mother of an addict...but I can also tell you that I had times I felt it couldn't be worse. I felt her death would be a relief...and was told by friends who had children who died, say "NO. YOU DO NOT MEAN THAT!"  I can also tell you, that they told me--- "that as long as they are breathing and living...THERE IS HOPE." They were right. Although, I didn't feel that way six months ago, or 16 months ago. I do feel that now. There truly is hope.

I can't counsel you. 

I'm not qualified to do an intervention. 

I'm not a police officer (even though I'd love to be promoted to detective because I would solve some crimes REAL FRAPPIN' FAST). 

I'm not a doctor. I can't detox your child and I can only tell you what I did with mine. I don't know what drugs your loved one has taken...and honestly---do YOU even know for sure? Truthfully, you probably have no real idea. 

I CAN tell you this...I love my daughter with all my heart and she was my first love of my life. I started blogging when I felt she was dying. I re-started when it was over in my mind so I just wanted to help someone else. She was done. It was a matter of time...BUT I stand before you today and am happy to report that I have a girl who is 60 days clean and writing letters to her loved ones, expressing love and talking about her hopes, dreams, and promise of a better future. 

THERE IS A GOD, there is a way out and there are people qualified to help you get there. If you are where you can read this and need help...utilize your computer, your phone, or walk into any church in this area. Impact, Destiny, CCO, Carterville Christian Church, Forest Park, St. Paul's... the list goes on and on....and someone CAN help you. If you don't believe that God is your answer--walk into Mercy Hospital or a facility that will help you without drugging you. 

I can tell you that BHG is not your friend. They are a there for your money. They don't care if you live or die.

I can tell you that there are some real doctors in this world who care. 

My doctor, for example. He won't peddle you pills. He will help you get help. He is a good man. He has dealt with my daughter for years and tried to help her. Sorry Doc, for throwing you in my blog---but he is the real deal. He doesn't give you drugs just because you want them and he does care about his patients. If it wasn't 11:30 pm, I would give his name. I don't want to do that without asking him first.

So...I am going to compile a resource list and send it to anyone who requests it. You choose the avenue to get help. I am nothing more than a writer. A person living it with you. A poster distributor for awareness. I cannot fix my own family. If I could, I wouldn't even have this blog. 

I want all of us to help each other and I want kids lives to be saved. If you have a resource for recovery to add to the list, please message me with it. I will add it. 

I love the faith so many of you have in me--but I'm just not qualified to do it and would never want to steer you wrong.

With MUCH LOVE...together we can make a difference.

What are YOUR Limits?

I must admit, I have a lot going on in my world. My daughter is tucked away, doing very well, but I do miss her. Almost sounds odd to say, because I don't miss the drama. I do miss the REAL person though. I look forward to her weekly calls like a teenager waiting for a date to call.

My son is getting married in June; my little one turns 4 tomorrow; this is our first Spring without college football in 5 years and the office I work for is in the middle of a hectic move. The move itself wasn't hectic but AT&T is killin' me. They cannot get our phones and Internet in sync and its making me INSANE. On top of that, my poster campaign for schools is being completed--but looks like most schools won't have them in until the following year since it's almost time for summer. I'm constantly thinking of other places I would like to put them, such as jails, juvenile detention centers, the courthouse hallway---places that so many see. I want to change lives, I want to open conversation. I want to get people the help they need. 

My son's blog has had a positive response from so many people. He said he felt such a peace about writing it. He's writing and helping others and Addi is receiving letters from many people she did not expect, who are helping her. Generous outpouring of love from so many people. She has received letters from close friends and family that mean so much to her. Addi is not a "crier." She is tough. She internalizes everything which isn't a good thing being an addict. She read me a letter tonight from her cousin Syd that made her sob. She said she had read it 3 times. It was beautifully written and it said something to her that she had been really harboring some pain about---her dad. After reading my son's blog, I realized that their pain from their dad's behavior or lack of interest in their lives, has effected them both far more than I even fathomed or recognized. I knew it hurt them, but I didn't know they felt "abandoned" or "walked out on." Addi said that she felt God was talking to her through Sydney's letter telling her --"You have a dad. He is your stepdad. He's been there through the hardest parts of your life. Be grateful for your blessing rather than focusing on someone else's absence." It really spoke to her heart at a time she needed it.

Something that bothered me in my son's blog and I feel I must clear up is this--- he referred to his dad as "walking out on us." I almost changed the wording on it when I uploaded it but I thought, "No, it's his words." Anyone that knows me and knows my life knows that I have not been a perfect mother, perfect person or perfect wife. I feel the need to defend their dad a bit...but I asked my son, "Can you tell me why you used those choice of words? Because I left the house. I filed for divorce." He stated "Mom, it was not about the divorce. It was about moving an hour away when I was 16. It was about the way he stopped talking to Addi way longer than that. I have felt he walked out on me as I've grown older-not during your divorce. I feel like she must have felt that way for a long time before then and that hurts me because now I know how she must have felt all those years before."  Okay, that makes sense. I can see how they feel that way or how he feels that way. I just have never wanted my children to ever feel that I want them to resent their dad or that I made perfect decisions because nothing is further from the truth. I realize that if their dad wanted to be in their lives today, that his five minutes of attention would possibly mean more than my five years and that is just the way it goes in life. As I got to thinking further back on things, it bothered me even more because it angers me that he put them in the position to even feel that way. Any time someone rejects or hurts your kids, it hurts you. It angers you. I know deep in my heart that he loves them. How could he not? I know they love him...sometimes though, people reach a limit--they can't handle the hurt any more...so they give up. Maybe it's best if my kids gave up yearning for his acceptance or attention. His love or lack of attention does not define them. In fact, it may have made them stronger in ways. They reached their limit. I can't blame them for that. I just want them to know that it is not a reflection on them, it is not about them--it is something he must live with when he looks in the mirror. I will happily take credit for both of them, their mistakes, their achievements, their personalities, their successes and their failures. I will take it all, the good and the bad. I too, reached my limit when it came to him.

Sometimes though, people we love are so negatively influencing in our lives in ways that hinder our growth that you have to let them go. Friends, relatives, etc. sometimes even our parents. So many addicts that reach out to me in messages are struggling to stay clean, while their parents are still addicts. Same with boyfriends/girlfriends and even spouses. Sometimes you must step away from that relationship for awhile and give yourself the space to sort it out. 

I've been watching the news and some of the same young men getting arrested over and over and over again. Two or three days later, I see them with the same people who they got arrested with, and making the same dumb choices. I just wonder, what does it take? Is that not the wake up call you need? Did your friend dying last month, not cause you to have a wake up call? Are you waiting until you die from an overdose? What is the limit? 

How many friends must die, must be arrested, must be incarcerated before you wake up and think "hey, maybe this isn't the crowd for me?--I've reached my limit."

I've been talking to so many young people on here that I want to lead to help--but I'm not going to chase you. Been there, done that, with my daughter. It doesn't work. Chasing an addict is like chasing the wind. You are never going to catch them. Until they have reached their limit, this cycle will continue. I can blog until my heart is content, but if they don't truly want to get help--they aren't going to. 

So what is your limit? Robbery charges? Death of a girlfriend? Death of many friends? Track marks in your arms? Losing custody or visitation rights to your child? Being homeless? What if your limit is "I'm going to rehab tomorrow" and you shoot up and die? What if your last pill ends up costing you your life? I won't seek you out. I care about all of you, but I won't play the cat and mouse game with addicts. It's a senseless waste of time . All I know is your time is running out. This cat and mouse game is going to end if you don't reach your "limit" soon. 

Parents and spouses of addicts--what is YOUR limit? You really should ask yourselves that question. The best book I ever read in the self-help section was "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You." Best advice I ever got. It taught me that I can't change her behavior and I wasn't going to let her rob me of my life and happiness too. Set YOUR limit.

So--to those who REALLY want help...when you reach that limit, reach out for help. I will help you find help...but I will not chase you down...because I reached my limit long ago. When you reach that limit--you will know. I hope you reach it soon. It's staring you in the face. Please know your limit before its too late. 

A Letter to My Sister

         I love my sister. I always have supported her, have always believed in her, and have always known that she is something great. Through everything, I have always known God has a plan for her. Were there times I thought she was going to die? Yes. There were many. But deep down, I hoped and prayed that my sister, the sister  that I watched play softball, that I traveled to the beach with our Nina and Papa, that read me monster stories when we were kids,  would someday be back. How could she do this? How could my sister of all people choose drugs? We went through all the same things? My dad walked out on me too? My grandpas passed away when I was young too? These were all questions that rolled through my mind over and over. Why the heck would she turn to drugs when we lived in the same life and had the same things go wrong? Why would she choose drugs over our family? Over me? It didn’t make sense to me and I didn’t understand how that lifestyle would be anything she would choose for herself. 

To my sister, I have wondered how you could ever do some of the things you did. It will never make sense to me, nor will I ever understand addiction. I do believe that you didn’t choose to be addicted, I do believe in my heart you made poor decisions and because of them, addiction chose you. I regret not saying something to you when you were in college, I regret not coming and visiting you more to see what you were doing or who you were friends with, I regret being so caught up in my own life that I didn’t spend more time with you to realize what was about to happen right before our eyes. I regret not calling you every day so you knew you could talk to me and that I was always there. I will always think of the things I could have done better for you to help you no matter what you say, I will always know I could have done more. 

     I am sorry that our papas died and you had to deal with that pain. I am sorry that our dad walked out on us and doesn't speak to us. I am sorry that you were in a car wreck and I am sorry that you felt lonely. I am sorry you weren’t pulled back in before you had to endure all of this. I have never talked to you about all the things that went wrong for us, but I know, it hurt. I hope you realized and still know you can always talk to me. I know you are the one who keeps to yourself more, while I’ll sob a river, but know you can always talk to me when something is wrong and I hope you know I will always love to hear what you have stored in your heart. 

     Regardless of the past, I forgive you for the choices you have made because you are my sister. I forgive you for missing my college football career, I forgive you for being absent on holidays, I forgive you for calling me asking for money, I forgive you for stealing from our parents, I forgive you for everything you have ever done. I will never hold anything over your head. I’m not a better son than you are daughter and I am not a better brother than you are sister. I now see that the sickness that took over your life is a disease that can take over anyone’s. I just didn’t get caught up in some of the things you did, and I am fortunate for that because I see now it can happen to anyone and could have just as easily been me.

     More than anything, I am thankful you are still alive and still so young. I am thankful I saw your genuine smile for the first time in 6 years, even if it was through glass at the jail. I am thankful you taught me so many lessons about life and choices.  I am thankful you now have a relationship with God.  I am thankful you were arrested that day and it brought you to where you are now and saved your life. I am thankful because I know in my heart, that God chose you to stay on earth and share your story with others who are going through the pain, the sickness and the hell that you have been through. He chose you.

     I am so thankful that God kept you on this earth to be my sister again...so maybe you can read my children "The Monster Story" someday, as you did for me.  I am thankful that we can soon sit and talk about what our lives entail next and our futures, because both of ours are bright. Whatever God's plans are for you, I am thankful that you are still here. 

                                                                            Love, 
                                                                           Your brother. 

SHOW ME STATE? THEN, SHOW US...NOW!

I'm fed up with the Missouri State Senate. FED UP. We are the ONLY State in the United States who does not have the prescription drug monitoring program. WHY??? We have a crisis in this state, just like every other state in the United States--only guess what? People are running to Missouri to doctor hop because we look like a bunch of fools. We are the candy house for doctor hopping and pill popping.

What is the problem? Seriously? Cut out the political nonsense and get this law passed. Do you understand that kids are dying? Do you understand that addiction is skyrocketing in your state? Do you understand that heroin use is at an all time high because of the amount of abuse that you have allowed to continue in this state? Do you understand that people are crossing our state line because we have no such laws? Do you understand that you are making it harder for states like Arkansas, Kansas and Oklahoma to enforce their own laws because of US??? They can't keep a handle on their own states because all it takes is their resident's to drive 30 minutes into the border of Missouri and buy all the pills they want. There are 18 year olds that can go to several lovely cash pay doctors in town here and get all the meds they need. They get Adderall, Hydros, Klonopin, whatever because some conscious-less pill pusher has no accountability with our state government. Fortunately there are some good pharmacies around who have enforced their own rules to try to curb this problem--but then we have our own government leaders who own pharmacies in Springfield who have milked the same system they choose not to change. WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH THIS STATE?

Our local police and task forces are getting virtually no federal funding dollars. No one is helping our law enforcement stop this problem and rather, you all are sitting all fat and happy up in Jeff City doing absolutely nothing to help them.

I read in the local Joplin Globe that one of our own state representatives doesn't even think we have a drug problem.  Mr. Davis--are you blind to what is going on around you in Joplin, Missouri???

Now, I see a horrifying MURDER with 4 teens involved in Southwest Missouri over a Mexican Drug Cartel.

WAKE UP. WAKE UP AND DO SOMETHING FOR YOUR FAMILIES IN MISSOURI.

I refuse to make my blog a political one--because it is about MY family...and I shouldn't have to fight the battle...but if my own state reps and senator don't see this epidemic happening--then let me educate you. Look around you. Step outside of your little perfect box and see the real world.

No one cares about your petty political agendas and bickering. Get off your duffs and do what is right for the families in Missouri. NOW. My daughter may not mean anything to you---but is it going to take your own children to die from this epidemic to see that it is a problem?

PASS THE PRESCRIPTION DRUG MONITORING PROGRAM NOW.

GET SOUTHWEST MISSOURI SOME FUNDING FOR ENFORCEMENT OF THIS DRUG PROBLEM.

SAVE OUR KIDS AND FAMILIES.

48 Days and Circles

Well, we are on our 48th day of sobriety for my daughter today. She said she has felt fantastic and is so happy. She truly sounds happy. She is in a treatment where they do go on outings to the store, to public places, to church, to fundraisers, etc. and I think it helps in a sense because it doesn't feel like an institution, it feels like a family. I'm not suggesting that option is for everyone because there were times in the past 5 years that if she were given even the ability to see blue sky at a treatment facility, she probably would have ran for her life. She is just at a different phase of her addiction and at this point and time in her life, she says she is done with drugs. I pray it is true and I hope it is true and I have a wee bit of faith that it is true--but my feelings mean nothing in the grand scheme of life. It is all in her hands and I leave her in God's hands.

I've talked so much lately about faith, God, prayer and with every stroke, my words are being banned from school's being able to use my blog due to the religious aspect, which is a real frustrating thing, but the miracles that have happened to lead us to this point, are so large and so evident, that I cannot ignore them. I cannot ignore that prayer has gotten me through this more than any other coping mechanism. I cannot ignore the fact that her prayers have been answered in so many ways. I cannot ignore the fact that in my darkest hour, I had so many faithful servants praying for a miracle and that miracle happened. I really did not believe my daughter would live to see her next birthday and she turned 26 last week. She turned 26 in a house full of women that I ordered pizza for and you would have thought I bought them dinner at the finest steakhouse. They were so excited and so appreciative. Her body is healing. Her heart is healing and her mind is healing. Best birthday gift ever.

Not ONE time has she called home for her weekly call and asked about an old boyfriend, ex boyfriend, etc., which is a first and it is evident there isn't one on her mind. The only fellas she inquires about are her brother's. Not once has she even asked about Joplin, Missouri. Not once. She asks about her family. She asks about my job. She asks about the things that truly should matter in her life. She tells me about her days, about her lessons, about the things she is learning about herself. She tells me about all the cards and letters she gets from people that love her and they mean so much to her. I tell people she cannot write them back, but they continue to show her love and support and she feels that support. I don't let everyone write her that asks, obviously nor would everyone that wrote her be delivered to her. Her supervisors watch closely and they talk about things before they let her read them and they keep her circle of contact very small. Right now she only has contact with her immediate family--which is awesome, actually. Her circle is small and as time grows, her circle will grow. At some point she will have to carefully select who she lets back into her circle...a great deal from her past will need to stay out of her circle to keep her circle moving in the right direction. 

Circles are hard to break. At times, our circles can be chains that lead us in the same direction and same mistakes over and over and over. I can remember a time in my life that my circle had some people in it that created constant drama, police involvement, etc...which is not normal, by the way. If you friends are getting regular visits from the police--chances are, your circle needs to change. 

I have watched from afar, her old circle of friends that  she loved who have stayed in their tight circle and all of them are getting married, having babies, just having beautiful lives and intertwining their circles together and making new ones---but she fell out of that circle and into a new one, so her circle changed. Your circle of friends define you, mold you, influence you and sometimes ruin you. I look around at my closest circle of friends and its small. I admit I have lots of friends but the circle I confide in or cry to, or that know my deepest darkest secrets is very small. It may seem to you that I have one huge circle because of my blog--and I do consider all of you part of a certain part of my circle but I also have a part of my life that I am fiercely protective and don't allow anyone near that circle.

I've watched several of the young men and women we know who are struggling with addiction continue to run into these circles of drugs, stealing, lies, and even death and their circles continue to keep going around and around and around with the same result. Arrested. Bailed Out. Robbery. Arrested. Bailed Out. Friend Dies. Arrested. Robbery. Bailed Out. Arrested. I just want to reach into their circle and stand up and yell "STOP!" Do they not see the circle is leading nowhere?  Do they not see that their circle is in a constant spiral of madness? Are they not getting dizzy of seeing the same thing over and over and over? 

Your circle of friends should never be telling you to "try this line of meth" or "Sneak out tonight and lets go smoke dope" or "Grab that pair of jeans off the rack--no one will know." Friends don't do that to their friends. in my 45 years of life, I have never had a friend ask me to steal anything, let alone, steal something daily. If that is your circle---it's time to find a new one. It's time to step out of the circle and stand alone. It's time to look behind you and in front of you in your circle and if they aren't moving and progressing with life--then that isn't the circle you should be in. Circles change. Circles grow. Circles add new circles when life is healthy. Your circle should never be an unending ring of trouble.

Break out of your circle. Put a circle around yourself for awhile and if you can't find the strength to do it, stand up and say "I need help" and let your family circle around you. Let them guard your circle until you can guard it yourself. Reach out to me even, I'm ballsy. I will snatch you right out of that circle if you want me to. I promise you, there are ways out of the circle. 

Tonight, let's all pray for those stuck in a bad circle. Let's not gossip about them, or judge them and especially not judge their parents. As parents we do the best we can. We try so hard to keep our children in good circles but at some point, our kids start moving into their own choices, own circles, and then have to deal with the consequences. Take a look at your circle right now. If you can't trust your circle, if your circle is negatively influencing you, if your circle is not leading you into a positive direction....STOP. The circle stops with you. 

The Awakening-Part 5

We rolled out of Carthage, after meeting my sister and picking up some items of clothing, bedding and other things she had collected for Addi. She also gave her a journal. It was one of my Grandma Kelly's daily journals. Every single day, she would wake up in the wee hours of the morning, go into her bathroom, kneel on the floor and pray for her family. She would journal her prayers. We have all read through different years, since her passing--and most of us have one or two that marked monumental moments in our lives--births of children--deaths--etc. My grandma's prayers are peaceful to read and you can picture her kneeling praying for her family and friends and church and thanking God for all the blessings in her life. This book was priceless and it was so sweet of my sister to think of giving Addi one.

On our way, we talked and talked. She told me how great she felt and how I "was right" about the detox. I have mentioned that probably 50 times in my blogs, because I've always wanted her to try to detox even just once, without medication. Just once, give it a try. She would never even consider it. The treatment facilities always deemed it a necessity and I never won that argument before.

We also began talking about a news story about a local boy who was shot and killed a few months ago and the day before, his sister and two guys were charged in his death. When I read the probable cause affidavit, it made me want to cry. It truly sounded as though this young man had let his sister live with him, she was hanging around a bad crowd, doing drugs, and so he kicked her out. In anger at him, she suggested they should rob him---so at one point, her friends did just that--they robbed him...only he lost his life, by being shot in the head. The whole time I'm reading this story, I'm getting physically sick to my stomach. I think of all the times my daughter tried to lure my son out to a parking lot, a place of business or to meet her somewhere to "borrow $25" and thank God he never would do it. All I could imagine, is that some thugs she was associating, would hurt him, rob him, or do something unimaginable, all because of her drug use. When I told Addi this story, she started crying. She said "I would never let anything happen to him." I said "YOU COULDN'T HAVE CONTROLLED IT. When you are hanging around people who steal, lie, rob, make and sell drugs--they don't care what he means to you. They don't care what anyone means to anyone...they don't care about YOU.  Do you get that? This girl probably loved her brother just as much and just because she got hooked on drugs and mad at him and said something out of anger, she had two people listening who decided to carry it out. NOW HE IS GONE." That story haunted me. It haunted me to the point, that I had many times made my son take precaution after precaution for his safety when Addi was out and about. In all reality, due to the dangers of drug addicts around town, we ALL must be vigilant when walking to our cars, locking our doors, etc...because you just never know. I think I made the point that people as desperate as someone gets when searching for heroin, they do not value their own life, let alone someone else's. It's terrifying. I felt sick for that family. I still do. God bless them. Losing both children, virtually--over drugs. It's not fair. I pray for them every single night.

We got to the hotel we were staying at for the night and we carried in the massive amount of  bags and bags of clothes for her to sort through. Her "mentor" had given her a book to read and wanted to her to take a test about her interests, strengths, etc. from the book "Strengths Finder" so she also started reading that so she could take her exam for her first "task assigned." She seemed so excited to take the test, and so excited to prove to him that his investment would pay off.

We also got out the box of items that I had brought her, including her new Study Bible I had purchased...She was very touched by it. I opened it up to show her what made it a "Study Bible" as the man had shown me in the store, with the notes and related scriptures written below. I literally just opened up the Bible--not having a scripture in mind. I opened it up to Jeremiah 29:11 that said "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Perfect. Really any passage in the Bible is perfect timing when you need it. This one was particularly perfect. That night, we talked, we visited, we laughed and we enjoyed each other's company. I loved being in her presence. She loved taking a bath and then a shower and then another bath. She hadn't had that "spa treatment" in a long time and hadn't had a real bath in almost a month. Her body was so marred with scars. It broke my heart that my baby girl had waged war on her own body with the infection from drug use. I caught myself staring at her back when she was in the bath tub. Praying "Please God, make this be the end of this nightmare once and for all. Please save my daughter."  I couldn't sleep that night. I woke up at 3 AM or so and blogged, just staring at her. The next morning her journey would begin a 12 month long program---and what scared me the most, is she didn't seem scared at all.

The next morning, I woke up to many messages and one was from a sweet friend named Andrea. She told me "This verse popped up in my "on this day 5 years ago" and reading your blog it made me think of Addi." She went on to write "Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 12 Then you will call upon me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek with all your heart." I instantly wrote her back. "Wild. We opened up her new Bible last night to that same verse...just on "accident."  She responded, "Funny how God works." Indeed. Wow.

We got ready to make the rest of our trip. Ironically enough, as we got about an hour or so away, we were following our GPS--and it told me to turn around and make a U Turn. That couldn't be correct. I called the office to confirm the directions. I'll be honest, I worried about her safety of anyone knowing where she was--or more of anybody who considered going and finding her to take her away and back into that world---ironically, the GPS doesn't lead you to it at all...it leads you about and hour out of the way. Technical glitch, they say? I say "Heaven sent."  We pulled up this long winding gravel road and there it was....her home for at least the next 12 months...and it was beautiful, peaceful, serene, welcoming...it was home.

We walked to the front porch and the supervisor welcomed us in. You know how you visualize someone when you talk to them on the phone and hear their voice and they NEVER look like you would think? This woman was so sweet, and so kind and so helpful and I had her pictured as this dainty, darling, dark haired woman. She was a dainty, darling, dark haired woman. The home was so clean and inviting and there was a beautiful kitchen, dining room, living room and upstairs it had spacious bedrooms, with beds and bathrooms and "welcome" toiletries trays for each girl. All women. All addicts...all there to find healing. I said "This is all so surreal. It feels so right. I cannot believe how peaceful this feels. I almost can feel the presence of my Grandparents at this house."  Susie (I will call the supervisor as an alias) said "I can tell you that when you contacted us, we didn't think we were going to have a bed available--but we prayed about it and decided somehow we needed you here, that you needed to be here. We decided we would somehow make room to add one more because God was leading you here--then we got a call that another girl had decided to go elsewhere so it opened up a bed. God wants you here, Addi. You were meant to be here." Chills ran down my spine. There was that feeling of the holy spirit again. I really like that feeling. Addi, confidently said "I know he does."

I unpacked the car and all of her belongings and we said our goodbyes. As I drove away, I felt a sense of peace that I hadn't felt in months, years. I felt she was safe. I felt she was good. I felt she was ready. I felt God.

As I was on the highway, I looked down on my phone and on my Facebook page, I had a message. It was from a woman who wanted to reach out to me, to tell me a story about her family. She said she had been reading my blog and had read about the closeness of my son and daughter. She wanted to tell me the story of her family, so that I could teach Addison a lesson that she should be told, so she could see the risks, the damage, the pain, the loss that she could have in living a life of drugs...that she could hurt the one that she loved the most. She wanted to tell me about her niece who got tangled up in drugs and the wrong crowd--and that it cost her brother his life. She was the aunt of the kids from Oklahoma. The same family I had just told Addi about on the drive up. I told her that it was amazing that she messaged me, that I had too, thought of my children when reading that story and how terribly tragic it was--but it did remind me of my children. She said how hard it was to think about the pain her niece feels in knowing her choices caused her brother's death and that yet, their family still loved her--and rightfully so. That story makes me so sad. Please pray for that family. I told her if it is any consolation, I did think about what my son would want in that situation--and I know he would want us to still love her. He would want her to find forgiveness because he would know that his REAL sister wouldn't have ever hurt him.

God was tugging on my heart in all directions and the fact that a family in such a horrible time of tragedy could even think of mine--meant so much to me.

I got home safely and when I walked in the door, I noticed papers on the kitchen counter. They were my little one's preschool papers. His Bible verse of the month? You guessed it...Jeremiah 29:11....

The Awakening--Part 4

So many events and my timing are running together because it all seemed like so much was happening so quickly. Forgive me if I bounce around. I am regretting not writing these things as they were happening.

On Easter Sunday, we went to church at Grace Episcopal in Carthage, which is the church I grew up in with my mom and stepdad. When you walk into the church, there is an "In Memory of Dick Mansfield" right in front your face with Holy Water. Grace Church is where we held the funeral of my stepdad, who was very instrumental in my life. He was also the man who my children depended on as a father figure after my divorce. He was the man who when my daughter was only 7, and told her class that her Papa and Nina were taking her and her brother to Disney World for Spring Break---so her Papa took her to Florida. I spoke at his funeral at this church. Grace Church has not been a comfort to me since that day in November 2006. I can barely walk through the doors without bawling my eyes out. Easter Sunday was different. As I sat down in the pew, I began to peruse the bulletin and noticed not only Addi's name on the prayer list, but noticed my own. I jabbed my niece Emma, sitting next to me and pointed, like "Whattt??? Me??" Emma is precious beyond words. She shrugged her shoulders, and in her cute little smile, she said, "Well, ya need 'em." She was right. I did need the prayers. Every single thing Father Steve said that day, was like he was talking to me. I found comfort there that I hadn't felt in almost ten years.

As Easter festivities ended and the week ahead of me began, I really became nervous about picking her up on that Wed. I was determined that I was not going to allow her to even get inside my heart or mind with any sort of pity. She called me collect again on Monday, to tell me about her tests and to get reassurance that she would be going on Wed. There was a part of me that worried about whether or not she was manipulating me, eager to get out in the world. On Tuesday, the jail took her over so the judge could make a docket to furlough her and release her to me the next day for treatment. My boss said that on that particular day, most were not hardened criminals, but a different group and when the judge heard the word "heroin addict"-even the other people in orange jumpsuits were taken aback. My boss was convinced that Addi was ready for change. I was still not so certain. My son, who had visited her the Friday before, was excited for her. He felt she was ready and he had good feelings about this choice of treatment...however, he was reading his Bible and praying to God this was the answer we had been seeking for so long.

I couldn't sleep at all on Tuesday night. I was so nervous. I got to the jail early so had to wait until the release time. I finally got the signal that I could walk around the back and she would be coming out. She asked me to bring her clothes, which I did, so I didn't have to ride several hours in the car with the stench of her rain soaked clothes from 23 days ago. She walked out and hugged me. Then said "Can we go into the lobby so I can hug everyone goodbye?"  "Huh? Hug WHO?" She wanted to go hug the people working in the jail, particularly the Sheriff, his Captain, his lady that worked the commissary, etc.  I told her that probably wasn't standard procedure. She told me that they hold church there twice a week. She said "This jail is different. They really care about people."  I thought, "Well, that is a good thing."

We had to stop in Carthage because a relative wanted to talk to her before we left. This relative has been in Addi's life since she was 3. He is a strong, quiet, hard working person who says very little about matters that don't involve him. He had made it known, that he had stayed silent too long and wanted to talk to her. I am going to try to keep his identity anonymous, but anyone that knows us, will certainly catch on to his identity pretty quickly. We stopped at his office to see him. (This part still makes me cry even writing it). He took us back into a conference room. I felt I was more nervous than Addi was at this time. He laid down $2000 cash and said "Addi, if I gave you this right now---what would you do with it? If I said, you can have this $2000 cash and my truck...would you drive straight to Teen Challenge?" She looked at him and said "I wouldn't want that cash in my hands to take that risk. I'd like to say I would, but I wouldn't want to have the temptation." They were looking each other straight in the eye. He said, "That is the answer I wanted. It's honest. You don't know your limits yet...that is what you need to say." He then laid down a check for $1200 which was the fee for Teen Challenge deposit and he said "I'm giving you this as a loan. I don't invest in anything that I don't think will give me a good return. I believe you are a good investment. I want you to take this, and if you will complete this program and do the things they ask of you--we are going to have a business proposition together. I will be here for you if you feel you are stumbling, you need to communicate that to me, and I will help get you through it. I want you to keep me posted on my investment and write me about every two weeks. I want you to come up with a plan--what do you want to be? What are your goals? You cannot survive off $7 an hour for the rest of your life. You need a plan...so when you come out of here in 12 months, I will help you finish college and we will reach your goals together...I'll be on your side every step of the way if you do the things you need to do. I believe in you." There were other details that I will leave out, but the look on her face was indescribable. A man she had respected, yet feared, because she had failed her family so many times--was on her side. A man she had utmost respect for and a man who took this conversation very seriously and chose his words carefully. He is a man of few words--but on this day, they were powerful beyond measure. She had someone who believed in her. Someone who she never knew had believed in her before....

God was working miracles and sparking hope in her life yet again...