Who Will Tell Your Life Story? Make it be YOU.

Sadly, there have been a lot of people pass away in the past two weeks. Not from drugs--but just from life occurrences...but it made me think about a lot of things.

One of the people who passed, was my new daughter-in-law's grandpa. She was very close to him and only one of four grandchildren. No divorce among their entire family, so unlike my fleet of family members, they are very small and very close. He was a pillar in their community and it showed on the day of his service. The church was packed, with people in the choir section; people standing; people in the balcony; and unfortunately it overfilled to capacity where they could hold no more. That is the kind of man he was---LOVED. During his eulogy, people spoke of his stubbornness but his loyalty; his expectations and his pride; his passion and his love. It was a beautiful service and spot on descriptions of the man we came to know over the past six years. We are blessed to have known him and glad he is no longer in pain.

Often times, people die earlier than expected--in a car accident, a sudden death or from their own actions. It's always easier to grasp or understand when someone is ill and their pain is no more--but when someone dies suddenly, it is hard to wrap your mind around. It's hard to not question the "what if's."  I often times had planned my daughter's funeral in my head and even on paper and wondered how I would write her story if something happened to her suddenly. Would I hide behind the fact she was an addict? Would I ignore the fact she caused her own fate? Would I only tell the good stories and not the bad? Would I tell her story as a lesson, or focus on the person we knew was still in there? Hard decisions and a personal choice and I respect every families decision on how they handle the situation. I really do not know for certain what I would do.

The thing is though--your story can be written by you. You cannot change your past but you can change your future. I've often told my daughter that if she lived a full and happy life, free of addiction and made better choices--that later in years people forget the bad or struggles and will see "Addi" instead. Once you have started making good decisions, as years pass, people forget the mistakes and see the change in a person. Eventually her early years would fade. I've met people in adulthood who have told me their struggles when they were younger and can not even fathom that person being an "Addi." Isn't that a great tribute to someone when you don't remember their past they chose to re-write?  You have to allow people that ability though. You cannot continue to make the same mistakes, or your legacy will follow you and people will write your life story for you. I often get messages from people that say things such as "I know Addi will be a leader and she is going to open doors for people." That is great if she can lead someone else to addiction freedom, if she can tell her story to help others, which she does through me right now. Eventually she wants to become an addiction counselor, but first she wants to get well on her own accord. She wants to be strong enough to stand on her own two feet before she can hold up anyone else. She is attempting to re-write her life story through her own actions.

Think about this--if you passed away today. What would be your legacy? What would be the things people said about you? If that question scares you---then re-write your story. Re-write your own ending. Get help. Find new friends that allow you to grow. Break the cycle of crime, drugs and being known to the police departments. Get a job. Work hard. Have pride in yourself. Do things for others. Turn your life around before your life story is a sad ending. Don't allow people the power to re-paint the picture of who you really were---write it yourself so that everyone is certain. Create your own legacy. Be your own person. F-L-Y-- First Love Yourself.

I hope Addi's ending doesn't happen for many years and I hope I am long gone by the time it happens. I never thought that would be possible, but by her taking the first steps in recovery, she started re-writing her story. Re-write yours while you have a chance.

Happy Father's Day to My Husband

Father's Day is always hard for me. I was blessed with two and lost them both within five months of each other. I miss them every day, but each year on Father's Day, it always brings back the memories that they are no longer here. My parents divorced when I was very young and both parents re-married. I was blessed beyond belief that my parents got along and raised us together, rather than a "them v. us" mentality. Every kid deserves that, because divorce is never their fault, although they end up suffering the most.

My children have not been as lucky as I was as a child. Their father and I have failed them in co-parenting. Their father and I have failed them in so many ways. I'm sorry for the suffering it has caused them and I am sorry that they never got to experience the ability of having a guilt free relationship with both sides of their families.

I'm not sorry for this though. I'm not sorry that they have an outstanding man in their lives in their stepfather. My husband and I have been married almost 7 years. He came into our lives at a tumultuous time and when God knew we would need him the most.

Addi had just started showing the signs of addiction, although I wasn't fully realizing the magnitude. He felt I was being too hard on her, and actually one of our very first arguments was about her. He gave her the benefit of the doubt when I was no longer doing so. Even though at the time, he had no children of his own, he showed mine the love and support that they had long deserved and needed. He had a wonderful stepfather of his own, who set a loving example of how to fully love children you didn't biologically create. He even gave his stepfather a kidney--that is how much he loved his stepfather. I was very blessed to find a man who opened his heart and soul to me and my children.

Through the last 7 years, my husband has been the unsung hero. He's been the man behind the scenes. The one who provided health coverage for treatment centers; the one who stood strong when I needed him; and the one who wiped my tears; and the one who told me to "turn back on the phone" because he would rather pay the monthly fee than me wonder all night if my daughter was alive or dead. He has been my rock. He has been my anchor. He is the one that sat with me at hospital waiting rooms. He's the one who was willing to whip someone's butt if they stepped on our front porch when we were trying to keep them safe. He has also been my children's anchor and I really haven't given him the credit he has truly deserved.

Last week when their father was a no-show to my son's wedding--it was my husband that stepped up and gave the "Father's toast"--it was my husband who stepped up and sat beside me as the "Father of the Groom." It was he who went to every single, solitary sporting event my son ever played in for the last 7 years.  It was he who gives our boys, now ages 4 and 23, golf tips and is harder on one than the other because he considers their age and abilities. He will drive hundreds of miles to get home for a 45 minute t-ball game. It is my husband who was there for high school graduation, rehab graduation, and college graduation, baptisms and Senior Days. He was proud of them like he created them. He never has given up on Addi, even though he's been mad as all get out at her. He is the reason she got to come home to live the last two times she was here. He was the one who forgave and forgave again. He is the one who is appreciative of a loving Father's Day card or a colored picture from a 4 year old. He expects nothing and gives a lot. I thank God every single day for his presence in our lives.

It was my husband, who has suffered the brunt of the bad and dark sides of addiction---yet, he still stood by our side.

So on this Father's Day--thank you to the man who stood up to the plate, when we had no one else in the dug out or even on our team.

You are truly my hero and we love you.

Wedding Bliss, Homesickness and Consequences

Well, my son is a married man. When I saw his beautiful bride come walking in on her dad's arm, I bawled like a baby, I admit it. I had one fake eyelash come loose so pulled them both off and put them in my husband's hand and he slyly tossed them on the grass beneath us. Now that I think back on that, it makes me chuckle. The wedding was beautiful and I'm so happy for them both.

Addi's treatment facility was very kind to her about the hard situation she was in, and her homesickness about missing it. They even made a video message of her for me to play at the rehearsal dinner. My son and his bride were very touched. He was teary eyed. It meant a lot to them and I was glad that she could have a role, even if it was on video. He finally got to speak to her on the phone Monday morning, and she cried. It was a hard weekend for her. She really felt alone, she said. She got through it though. It was about a 24 hour stint for him of women's tears, coming from me, his new mommy-in-law and his new bride.

My son's wife comes from a close knit family and this is her first time living away from home. Needless to say, it was tough on her parents to see her go, yet they love my son. My new daughter-in-law is going to have a lot of adjustments and will inevitably deal with that homesick feeling everyone has felt when they leave home. I prepared him the best I could for it, but thinking about her moving away, made me think of Addison and how hard it must be for her too, to be so far away, especially during a time like this.  I think sometimes I take "home" for granted and expect Addi to be able to adjust to things that I've never had to do. I've never gone a month without seeing my mom. I expect her to do it a lot.

When a person is in active addiction, they can go months without seeing someone they love. I think the family gets accustomed to it, and then while in recovery, they need that support--yet, the family has adjusted to going long spurts without their presence. It's very sad to think about it like that, but I think that truly is something your mind learns to deal. I'm not going to lie--I'm missing her dearly right now and am glad I get to see her Saturday. Its long overdue and I think both of us have gained weight since we saw each other last. We are both stress eaters and I've been eating my way through my son's impending nuptials and my daughter's treatment and a lot of stress. Guess that is one of my own addictions and battles.

I am hoping that now that life is calming down, I can get back to regularly blogging. It's hard to write sometimes...my brain just shuts off. I've been on such wedding mode and video modes for the rehearsal, that my mind had to take a break from drug addiction. My mind is never off of my daughter though, even though she sometimes feels that way. I wished she could have been with us this weekend, and I know she felt as though she failed him for not being there. She kept apologizing for ending up in this position. He reiterated time and time again that she gave him the best gift she could have, which is her life. She was missed, but it was relaxing to know that she was tucked away safely.

Unfortunately for her, she is suffering the consequences of her actions and part of those consequences have been missing out on some family events. Speaking of consequences, I've had a lot of messages lately from people who have had their loved ones arrested or honestly, should be arrested. I can't express anything more adamantly to parents, spouses, siblings--that consequences are necessary. The saying "What you allow, will continue" is true. Watching a loved one suffer consequences is one of the hardest things to do. It was hard for me not to pity her and drive a long distance to see her on a weekend I simply had zero time. My husband deserved some time. He is the unsung hero who silently (well, if you know Chris, he isn't SILENT) suffers the most sacrifice. Sometimes you have to take care of the family in front of you and put your addicted loved one on the back burner. It's fair for all of you and it's part of consequences. If your son or daughter or spouse is being arrested AGAIN...and you go bail them out--you aren't helping them deal with consequences. If your loved one never has to pay the price and always has a landing pad on your back, then they will continue to ride you. Consequences are good. They are necessary. They are life or death sometimes...whether it's the life of your addict, or someone else that may get innocently hurt by their actions.

If your loved one is stealing, damaging, hurting, abusing--don't shield them from those consequences.

Stay strong. Wedding bliss eventually tapers to normalcy (although all married people should try to keep that bliss forever). Homesickness does end...Consequences can have life changing results. You can do it.

93 days Clean and Staying Strong

I felt really sorry for Addi this past week. She has been dealing with some old wounds. Being away from family doesn't make it that easy to cope and I couldn't visit last weekend. I was gone all week to my future daughter in law's bachelorette party in Vegas. Addi was envious in ways, she said--but mainly just envious of the time we got to spend together. She is well aware that Vegas is no place for her. Her brother's wedding is this weekend so she is still having a hard time with that, although we are including her as much as possible. I even sent pizza cards for the girls to have a pizza party wedding celebration. Also sent her copies of the videos to be shown at rehearsal dinner. Please keep her in your prayers as she misses this weekend. She loves her baby brother and always has. Its not going to be easy, but its going to be worth it.

I appreciate the staff at her treatment facility so much. They are such a family to her. She was in great spirits today and has all sorts of plans for her future--outside of this area. I am just so proud of her and the battle she has waged. She is doing so much better at the faith based facility. Going into our 3rd month. Seems crazy. She is teaching me so much about my own faith too. Its almost like she is coming out of a caccoon and turning into a butterfly.

As for my blog, I am very behind. Bare with me for the next week--my mind is overwhelmed. Thinking of all of you struggling and praying you find your way.

More soon..