Senator Blunt's Discussion with the "Real Expert"

Addi and I had the privilege to attend a round table discussion in Jefferson City about drug abuse and issues in Missouri. We were invited by Senator Blunt.

Addi, Susie, the director for Primrose Hill (the treatment residence Addi resides) and myself all attended. The three of us met early for lunch because we were pretty nervous. We weren't sure what exactly to expect or who would be there. After lunch, we arrived at the Act Missouri office, about 20 minutes early. Already seated, were two ladies. One who works with drug and mental health programs. One from Jeff City and one from St. Louis. They were very intelligent women who obviously know their statistics and likely attend round table discussions more than we do. Others who attended, were the Osage County Prosecutor (who she reminded me of someone from LA Law, very sassy, smart and well spoken); and the Prosecutor from Cape Girardeau, also well spoken man who expressed the drug problems his county was having. Then we had a gentleman from a Missouri Drug Task Force who indicated his county had suffered SIX overdoses in the past 5 days, with 2 of them being fatal. His county is suffering tremendously due to heroin. Another gentleman named Bean, spoke about the youth home for boys that he works, which provides residential drug treatment. He stated that they are so overcrowded, they are having to keep a waiting list. Tragic. We need more residential long term programs.

As we made our way around the table, discussing the various problems per county and our concerns as community members, we all introduced ourselves and stated our main interest or topic. Susie spoke about Teen Challenge and the way they instill work ethic in the girls, to help with their self worth, confidence and ability to learn responsibility. This is such an important tool that is forgotten when someone is deep in addiction. She talked about Teen Challenge being a faith based treatment center and the girls study the Bible and do prayer groups and attend church together and focus on healing from the inside out. She talked about the importance of abstinence in recovery.

Next up was Addison---she first quietly said "My name is Addi. Addison Daniel...I'm not sure what else to say..."  I thought, "Well, she is done"...then all of a sudden, she just started talking and talking and talking. She told the panel that she had tried 9 rehab facilities before and each time they gave her drugs to get off drugs and she failed each time. She said she has been clean going on her 8th month now, and JUST NOW she is starting to feel real feelings. She said it is imperative that treatment is longer, more structured and drug free---that we are going about treatment in America the wrong way and it is creating more addiction. She went on to tell her own story and painful parts that she had never discussed before. Parts that I wasn't even sure she would ever talk about.  I was sitting there in awe of her. Here we were---in a room full of educated, powerful, intelligent people, elected officials, news media, a United States Senator and his staff ---and my daughter started singing like a beautiful bird. She felt confident in that room to tell the truth because she knew those were the people who needed to hear her side, her view, and to hear about what works and what doesn't. When she finished...they applauded.  So did I. It gave me chills. I was beaming with pride.

She also brought a letter she had written to Senator Blunt back in 1998 (when he was a US Representative) that said, "Dear Mr. Blunt: Thank you for coming to our school." When she was 8 years old, he read to her class. I took a picture of them holding it. I thought "How ironic--who knew back then that my little blue eyed, blonde haired, innocent sweet girl, would become a heroin addict. Who knew that 18 years later---their paths would cross again and that it would be him listening to her." He gave her a hug after the forum finished and told her that they needed to keep the conversation going, and that testimony from real stories and people like her, is the best advice he can receive.

We just never know why our lives turn in the ways that they do sometimes, but I saw glimpses of my little college Republican girl, who has already voted absentee, by the way. She always loved politics and to see her interest renewed, showed me that she is truly returning back into our old Addi that she was before drugs overtook her life.  I felt like her impact on that room was something no one else could have offered. She lived it. She's gone through it all. She was the real expert that day.

She made me proud. Each month she gets stronger. Each month I see my real daughter and each month I have a little more faith that this may be the reason she was created---to change the lives of others.

Yay, Ms. Addison-- you are smart, you are a fighter and I know you are going to help be an outspoken survivor who champions for others.  I'm so proud of you.

PARENTS, YOU ARE NOT LISTENING

I've been pounding the message "LOCK UP YOUR MEDICATION."  "Oh, I will do that."  "Yes, that is a good idea."  "I should do that."  "I am going to do that RIGHT NOW." Those are the responses I typically get. The lightbulb goes on and then we depart ways and then guess what? Parents forget our conversation. 

How many benzos are in your home? Klonopin? Xanax?  Yes, they will take those. Lock them up.

How about sleep medication? Over the counter and prescription? Yes, they will use those. Lock them up.

Do you have muscle relaxers? Yes, they will use them. Lock them up.

What about Valium? Yes, they will use it. Lock it up.

If you aren't locking them up, do you keep track of how much you have? Or were you like me, and shoved them in a cabinet and thought nothing of it. 

Do you have pain medication? Because 85% of your local kids say that you do. 

You know what else those kids are saying in my survey results? They are saying YOU DO NOT lock up your medication.

You know what else they are saying?  PAIN PILLS are the most commonly used drugs abused by teens (90% of them stated that) and that pain pills are the EASIEST to obtain. 

DO YOUR JOB, PARENTS. DO IT FOR YOUR KIDS, AND EVERYONE ELSE'S. 

Learn from the mistakes I made. Don't assume "my child would never do that."  Don't take a chance. Don't even give them the opportunity, or their friends the opportunity. Treat your meds like a firearm. Take care of them, lock them up...because they are a loaded weapon and they can kill your child. 

MIND YOUR MEDS. 

LOCK UP YOUR PRESCRIPTION DRUGS.

Dear Opiates/Heroin: A Letter I Wrote 4 Years Ago

The first time my daughter entered treatment, was August 2012. At that time, the treatment center asked me to write a letter to my daughter's demon--opiates/heroin. I can remember writing it, and then feeling disappointed that I had no one to read it to---that there was no one I could scream the words and that they would listen. Today, I was cleaning closets and found a box of items that belong to Addi. In it, I found my letter. 4 years later, the words still ring true. I hope some of you will relate to the same feelings.

Dear Opiates/Heroin:

     You have taken so many precious things from me. First and foremost, you took my daughter for the last four years.

     I was not familiar with your face. I was not familiar with your signs. I never knew about the hold you had on my daughter until it was so strong, that I still fear the bond may never be broken for long.

     My daughter was a beautiful, funny, athletic young lady who made good grades and had a lot of friends. You crept into her life like a thief in the night and you stole her innocence.

     For the past 4 years, I've had to watch my daughter slowly die a painful and sad death. She grew to hate me because I hated you. She resented me when I found out about you and attempted to get her help. You took away her youth, her college years and you took away some of my son's teenage years because he had to be the "man of the house" and constantly looking out for his sister. I hate you, opiates because you have taken away my faith. You have made me doubt myself as a mother.

      The lies my daughter has told me, the things she has stolen from me, the hurtful words she has spoken to me and the fact that her life has become a human wrecking ball in my life are all just a portion of the reasons I hate you.

     You took away the chance to see my daughter walk across a stage and celebrate her high school graduation. You took away the chance of seeing her succeed in college and you took away her dreams to be a teacher. You allowed people in my home and our lives that I wouldn't let in my dog's life, let alone my child's.

     You took away my sleep, my finances and my ability to perform well at my job because you gave me so much stress that it was intolerable. You caused my son to have to hear me cry so many nights, wondering if my daughter was alive or dead. You cost me THREE cars--but I blame myself for that because I should have never replaced the first one. You took away the close bond of my family. YOU, opiates--are the Devil. You are the most evil force I have ever fought against.

     You have caused me and my husband to argue and I've had to set boundaries in my life that will force me to choose between my child and ultimately, my grandchild.

     YOU have ruined 4 years of my life!!!!!!

     This is your last and final warning to leave my family alone. I've given up everything in my daily life so that my daughter can focus on her treatment and get rid of you. It is time that you take your hold off of my family.

     Any one or anything that resembles you or the pain you cause, will not be allowed around my family. I WILL fight back hard this time and I DO know your face, so my ignorance about you is gone. I know who you are, I know who your friends are and they are not allowed in our lives. I will stop those who sell you. I will report those who prescribe you in voluminous amounts.  If my daughter chooses you or those that still love you--then I will have no choice than to close this chapter in my life and walk away from both of you.

     This is it. The time has come that you must go away. I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to see her be a mommy. I want to see her believe in herself again. I want to see her be a sister again. I want to see her use her brain again. I want her to make us laugh again. I want to see her finish school with the brain God gave her that you tried to take away. I want her to learn the values she was taught such as hard work. I want her enablers to know I will hunt them down. I want back my child.

     Goodbye, opiates.  Goodbye heroin.  Goodbye drugs.  I'm fighting back.
             
                                                                                         Stephanie
                                                                                         9/21/2012


 Wow. I was one aggravated mom. I was on a mission back then and didn't even know it yet...and then began "My Addiction to Addiction."

Thank you God for sparing her life and for giving me my daughter back.

I have faith. I have hope...and YOU can too.

Keep goin' sis.  We love you so much and are so proud of you.

My Testimony---by Addi

My testimony is not something I thought I would be telling people seven months ago.  Seven months ago I was so far deep that I never thought I’d see the light again.  I was so far deep I didn’t know there was light anymore but now I testify that I’ve found the light.  Jesus says, “I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life” and he did this without me even knowing I needed him or asking for him.  He led me out of the pits of the deepest darkest hole. 

My life has been nothing that I thought it would be.  I am now on my ninth attempt at sobriety and I can finally honestly say this is my last time and my only solution to this “disease” is God.  I grew up knowing there was a God but not actually knowing Him. 

My life was a picture of perfect dysfunction.  I remember while most kids were praying to God for their parents to stay together, I was praying for mine to get a divorce. I went from being a daddy’s girl whose daddy coached her softball teams, played whiffle ball and revolved his whole life around his kids to no daddy-waiting game after game for him to show up- excuse after excuse crying because he just didn’t show up after saying he would.  I grew numb and more depressed as I got older.  By the time I was sixteen I was probably a full blown alcoholic.  I had lost my papa and then walked in on my mom nearly getting beat to death by her ex husband.  From that point on alcohol was the only thing that made me feel good but really just numbed me from feeling anything at all.  I drank my junior and senior year away.  The night before my graduation I drank so much that my alcohol level was .3 something which is legally dead.  I ended up wrecking my vehicle, flipping it five times and getting thrown out of my car.  I was so far away that paramedics couldn’t even find me.  I should have been killed that night but what I didn’t know then and know now is that God clearly has had a plan for me all along.  I broke my back, lacerated my spleen, had a collapsed lung and mentally I was a huge mess. 

That’s when I was introduced to pain medicine.  I still managed to start college and move forward but my life just kept getting messier.  I still had that mental mess I hadn’t dealt with and while most people would have quit drinking after that I just kept going while taking pain medication on top of things.  A few years later I met the problem solver of all problem solvers...so I thought.  I met "the point"--the needle.  It was my “cure all”.  I felt like this was going to fix every single problem I had ever had and then some..,but I was very wrong. I was going deeper and deeper into that black hole.  I thought having a baby would fix all of my issues, so I got pregnant.  I learned very quickly all this did was amplify my issues and that I couldn’t take care of myself let alone another human being.  I had my son on May 3, 2012.  That August is when I attempted my first try at sobriety and brutally failed.  A year later, I finally tossed in the flag and signed what little rights I did have left away and he was adopted.  The summer after I tried every single thing imaginable to kill myself, then 3 more attempts at sobriety and a year later, I was pregnant with my daughter.  After feeling the hurt and emptiness of not having my son, I knew I wanted to get things right this time. 

Fast forward to about eight months ago, I was back in that deep hole of darkness-normally I could at least see glimpses of light but I just knew there was no getting out this time!  My family begged and begged and prayed and prayed.  I had lost everything at this point and I was on the verge of losing my other half of my heart, my daughter. I didn’t think I could live to feel that kind of hurt again.  Some may call it "divine intervention", some may have been anger and frustration, but I was just "sick and tired of being sick and tired."  I was ready for it to all be over with...and that is when I ended up in a jail cell and that’s what I call God’s Grace.  Not many people can say they are thankful to end up in jail but I can!  God has to use different methods to open people’s eyes up and this is how he did mine.  I was isolated from the world and that’s where I first started to see the light, as it says in Psalm 119:105-your word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path- and the light was starting to get brighter.

That was where I was seven months ago.  Today not only do I see the light, God promises me in Jeremiah 29:11-He knows the plans for my future, plans to prosper me and not to harm me and that my future is bright and full of hope and not only is my future bright and full of hope but so is my daughters.  We have had some ups and downs and I know not every day is going to be a ray of sunshine but I think that all of that darkness just made me stronger and as it says in Esther 4:14-Perhaps THIS is the moment for which I was created and even on my WORST days with God as my light, it’s not even COMPARABLE to a good day without God.  Because without Him I am nothing. 

As it says in Joshua 1:9-Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid.  Do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

The "Before"...and the "After" by Alissa Brock

     I have been thinking about if I had a blog, "What would I write? How can you explain the loss of a child?" What immediately comes to my mind is that there is a definite "before" and "after." All of us have "before and afters" in our lives. Before you were married...and after. Before you had children...and after. Before College...and after. Some are happy, some are devastating. This is a "before and after" that no one ever wants to have to survive. No one wants this "after."

     The "Before"

     We were very young parents. 19 and 20 when our first baby, Ryan, came along, 21 and 22 when the second one, Alex, came into our lives. In my mind I know we made mistakes and we struggled in many ways, financially, to grow up ourselves, to find your way in the world at that age is hard enough, but to bring 2 beautiful brown-eyed babies along with you, is super hard. I know we aren't the only ones. Looking back now, I know God gave them to me to save me and make me grow up. I needed it.

     At 25 I had 1 more, a beautiful teal eyed, blond baby girl. We all were sooo in love. After she was born, I went back to school full time while I waited tables in the evening. Thank God for my husband who had to, in essence, become mom and dad...and might I say, he did it well. He spent hours and hours with our kids playing with them, bathing them, reading them bedtime stories, fed them dinner, clipped their nails, cleaned their ears...you name it.

     Finally I graduated and life got a little easier on all of us. My boys were able to play lots of baseball and travel with their friends as they had so wanted to do. We had a great life. We took vacations together as a family, my parents took them on vacations. My brother in law and his wife took them places, Pro ballgames, all over the place. They did things many adults still haven't done. And they were good kids. They were loved. Really loved. We were a happy, close family.

     In High School my boys were both popular and funny. We never had any real problems with either of them, just normal kid stuff. They both played some sports and loved it. Had lots of friends and seemed to thrive. We remained a very close family. After my oldest son graduated he went to college a few semesters at my parent's expense and insistence, but did not do well, as I feel he just wasn't ready. Then one day he said "I need to talk to you mom." Immediately my heart sank. We went on the back deck together and he told me "I am a drug addict and I need help." We both cried. I feel that this is a testimony of the kind of open and loving relationship we had with all of our children that he knew he could come to me and tell me. I immediately started trying to help him. Without success.

     I didn't think Alex, our youngest son, was doing "hard" drugs. I believed he only smoked pot, which at the time I thought was no big deal. Eventually our oldest son went to rehab in St. Louis. I think he wanted to stay clean, but 1 month after he got home, Alex accidentally overdosed on pills and alcohol. He spent 3 days in CCU at St. John's in Joplin on the ventilator and 3 more days on the neurological floor. 6 days in the Hospital. Ryan, felt like it was his fault because he knew he was wasted, but didn't understand the gravity of the situation. Ryan immediately relapsed and was doing every opiate he could get his hands on, even smoking Dilaudid. Straws, foil. Straws, foil. Took me a while to figure that one out. I would kick him out...but let him right back in. Still hate buying Aluminum Foil...and that was 7 years ago. Today, he is alive and doing well. Thank God he was doing well when his brother died.

     After his overdose, Alex swore to himself and to us that he was done. No more. "I have a second chance." Needless to say that did not last. Very long summer with him. Every time I couldn't immediately wake him I started freaking out. He continued to drink and I'm sure take pills and had several ER visits as well.

     A couple of years went by and he worked and sort of just got lost. He lost 6 jobs in 1 year. He was using, but was also very good at "maintaining" as they say. Fired from every single one. It was "never his fault", according to him. He just was very very lost. I never dreamed after what we lived through with his brother that he would also become a serious drug abuser. He started working for a man that he knew, Al grew up with his son. He loved that job. I started noticing then that he would come home really messed up, stumbling around, slurred speech etc. My mom even noticed it. I would ask him and ask him if he was using drugs and he would always deny it. Then he stole our meds, Xanax, we only took it occasionally for anxiety. Not only did he steal it once...but twice. The second time we called the police. They gave him a ticket and went on. I continued to ask him over and over and over "Do you need help?" Some days he was fine. In fact most days when I saw him, he did seem fine.

     The "After"

     Then comes the after. The devastating, life changing after. Your worst nightmare. The unimaginable. March 22 2012. The day that changed everything. The "after."

     How do I even tell this story? I remember that day. It is burned in my mind. He was working 11-2 and 5-close. He had lost his drivers license and I took him back and forth to work most days. My sister had a 17 month old and he was the light of my life. He was at my house that day. At around 10:30 am, I remember waiting for Al to come up the stairs and ask me for a ride to work. He never did. I got a strange feeling but his days off had changed and I thought maybe he was off that day. Still something was off, I could feel it. I continued to play with Aidan, my nephew and go on with my day. That afternoon I decided to color my hair. My daughter and I were at the table in the dining room looking at Facebook and Aidan was on my lap. Scott came in from work at 3:45 pm and the phone rang. I immediately looked up and was numb. I heard him say "What, are they sure it's him?" I put the baby down and started screaming at the top of my lungs "Alex is dead!!! Alex is dead!!!" I didn't even know it until later when my daughter told me I said it "I'm so pissed off!! I'm sooo pissed off! Alex is dead!" Somehow I knew. I called 911, Scott called 911. Eventually they told us that they had a body at Mason Woodard and asked us to come there. He had been dead over 12 hours before anyone called. I told my daughter to call my mom and we passed her on our street. I remember saying "Alex is dead." and my mom just started bawling. We got to the funeral home and the Sheriff was there. He showed my husband a picture of Alex on his phone and Scott told him that it was Alex. We went in and all I wanted to do was see him. They told me no. Just no. We went in and sat at this table and I just kept saying, I wanted to see him and they just said no. "We would have to clean him up and get him ready, you don't want to see him." Yes, Yes, I do. "No." We left.

     Now, the after. We went home, soon our house was full. Full of crying people, full of sadness. Really, really full of it. I can just remember feeling like I should be entertaining them. That is me. And knowing that I could not. It wasn't even appropriate. It is just me. Those first few days were surreal as everyone will tell you. I was so determined to not let it kill me. Already in March thinking about Christmas, Easter etc. I remember for weeks waking up and saying out loud to myself "Alex is dead...Alex is dead." Walking to the toilet, sitting on the toilet, saying it over and over again out loud. Just wanting so badly to be able to accept it and learn to live with it. But you can't, you just can't. I am 4 yrs and almost 7 months out and it makes me cry just to write this.

     I remember after, reaching out to friends that had lost their children and thinking "I've got this." Just weeks after he died. They all said "Oh, honey you are just getting started." WHAT!! ? "I've got this." Not even for a minute. This is the "after." You have never really "got this." It just doesn't happen. Your life changes and it never, ever, ever goes back to the same. I remember loving Spring. I love flowers and plants. My daughter and I were standing on the front porch and I said "Look, the grass grows, the trees bud, the flowers bloom but no Al." Life without him is so much different. I cry more days now than I don't. Sometimes it is unbearable. My sweet husband has days that he just can't, just almost barely lives. My children are different. Everything is different. It is something that you just cannot even explain. Everything changes.

     The first year I was determined to just go on with life. I planned his funeral to a T because I wanted it to be just perfect for him. It was the best since that dreadful news, because I was numb. The second year almost killed me. After his 1 year anniversary came and went it became so real and painful I almost didn't survive. That is when you realize THEY ARE NOT COMING HOME. I went to work only because I had to. I paid only the bills necessary to live. I left my house only if I had to. I stayed in bed more than I should have. I barely barely made it. After that a little light comes back, you start to laugh without feeling guilty. I love to laugh. If you are lucky you have friends that let you know you are loved and needed, in whatever capacity you are at the moment. Time goes by and you learn to live the "new normal." But I will tell you now ...there will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be a "before" and now...an "after."

     Thank you to my son Ryan, for allowing me to tell our story.