My testimony is not something I thought I would be telling people seven months ago. Seven months ago I was so far deep that I never thought I’d see the light again. I was so far deep I didn’t know there was light anymore but now I testify that I’ve found the light. Jesus says, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life” and he did this without me even knowing I needed him or asking for him. He led me out of the pits of the deepest darkest hole.
My life has been nothing that I thought it would be. I am now on my ninth attempt at sobriety and I can finally honestly say this is my last time and my only solution to this “disease” is God. I grew up knowing there was a God but not actually knowing Him.
My life was a picture of perfect dysfunction. I remember while most kids were praying to God for their parents to stay together, I was praying for mine to get a divorce. I went from being a daddy’s girl whose daddy coached her softball teams, played whiffle ball and revolved his whole life around his kids to no daddy-waiting game after game for him to show up- excuse after excuse crying because he just didn’t show up after saying he would. I grew numb and more depressed as I got older. By the time I was sixteen I was probably a full blown alcoholic. I had lost my papa and then walked in on my mom nearly getting beat to death by her ex husband. From that point on alcohol was the only thing that made me feel good but really just numbed me from feeling anything at all. I drank my junior and senior year away. The night before my graduation I drank so much that my alcohol level was .3 something which is legally dead. I ended up wrecking my vehicle, flipping it five times and getting thrown out of my car. I was so far away that paramedics couldn’t even find me. I should have been killed that night but what I didn’t know then and know now is that God clearly has had a plan for me all along. I broke my back, lacerated my spleen, had a collapsed lung and mentally I was a huge mess.
That’s when I was introduced to pain medicine. I still managed to start college and move forward but my life just kept getting messier. I still had that mental mess I hadn’t dealt with and while most people would have quit drinking after that I just kept going while taking pain medication on top of things. A few years later I met the problem solver of all problem solvers...so I thought. I met "the point"--the needle. It was my “cure all”. I felt like this was going to fix every single problem I had ever had and then some..,but I was very wrong. I was going deeper and deeper into that black hole. I thought having a baby would fix all of my issues, so I got pregnant. I learned very quickly all this did was amplify my issues and that I couldn’t take care of myself let alone another human being. I had my son on May 3, 2012. That August is when I attempted my first try at sobriety and brutally failed. A year later, I finally tossed in the flag and signed what little rights I did have left away and he was adopted. The summer after I tried every single thing imaginable to kill myself, then 3 more attempts at sobriety and a year later, I was pregnant with my daughter. After feeling the hurt and emptiness of not having my son, I knew I wanted to get things right this time.
Fast forward to about eight months ago, I was back in that deep hole of darkness-normally I could at least see glimpses of light but I just knew there was no getting out this time! My family begged and begged and prayed and prayed. I had lost everything at this point and I was on the verge of losing my other half of my heart, my daughter. I didn’t think I could live to feel that kind of hurt again. Some may call it "divine intervention", some may have been anger and frustration, but I was just "sick and tired of being sick and tired." I was ready for it to all be over with...and that is when I ended up in a jail cell and that’s what I call God’s Grace. Not many people can say they are thankful to end up in jail but I can! God has to use different methods to open people’s eyes up and this is how he did mine. I was isolated from the world and that’s where I first started to see the light, as it says in Psalm 119:105-your word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path- and the light was starting to get brighter.
That was where I was seven months ago. Today not only do I see the light, God promises me in Jeremiah 29:11-He knows the plans for my future, plans to prosper me and not to harm me and that my future is bright and full of hope and not only is my future bright and full of hope but so is my daughters. We have had some ups and downs and I know not every day is going to be a ray of sunshine but I think that all of that darkness just made me stronger and as it says in Esther 4:14-Perhaps THIS is the moment for which I was created and even on my WORST days with God as my light, it’s not even COMPARABLE to a good day without God. Because without Him I am nothing.
As it says in Joshua 1:9-Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
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