Fear and Faith

A friend of mine messaged me the other day that her daughter has re-enrolled in college. She is in recovery and this is obviously a huge step in the right direction. We are all so very proud of her. She said "I'm so excited, yet so scared to be excited. Will this feeling ever end?"  I wrote back, "No, I don't think it does."

This morning I woke up with a charlie horse cramp in my leg and from a dream that my daughter lost 100 lbs from the time I saw her earlier this month. I bawled and bawled. Then I got on my phone, scrolling through news feeds to read all the political babble and came across an article which stated that "only 4% of heroin addicts ever get clean."  Wow, thanks for that morning slap in the face.

It's times like this that it is hard when she is so far away that I can't just spring out of bed and go look at her and hug her, or if she lost 100 lbs, I may slap the snot out of her because I would know that evil creature had lurked back into her life. Fear is the most crippling emotion. Your heart stops. Your mind gets consumed and with me, I can hardly think of anything else. I am grateful to the women who work at her treatment center. They are compassionate and understanding. Their mom's have been where I have. They know how I feel. They are always willing to talk to me and to give me reassurance that she is still there, doing well, but anxiously awaiting her first day pass with her family at the end of the month. I am anxiously awaiting her weekly call tonight just so I can hear her voice, and know for myself that "she truly is okay."

The real answer to all of this is that none of it is within my control. She is there because she chose to get help. She has been there for 4 months because she has chosen to stay. She has conquered more of this beast in 4 months than she has in many, many years and that is the thing I must focus on. Her 4th month wouldn't be here if she hadn't started at "day one." Everyone has to start somewhere and sometimes people have to start over. She did, many many times. It's not a matter of how many times you get knocked down...but if you still get up and try again.

I don't think a parent ever truly lets their guard down after this long of a battle. I think it's impossible. I think you learn to live with it and learn to understand that no matter how much you want it for your loved one, you can't do it for them. I've learned to deal with it. I've learned to read, PRAY, read some more, pray some more, sometimes cry and then get myself through my own fears.

So, on a good note today--she is 134 days clean AND she is finishing up enrollment for college, which she will do online for now. I'm proud of her. I know she can do this. I know anyone can do this if they take the steps to do it. Let's blow that 4% stat off the Internet. Let's increase that stat by leaps and bounds to show the world, that this devil won't win. Let's show other people out there wanting help, but feeling helpless, that they CAN win this battle. I hope my daughter, your daughter, your son, your loved one are all the success stories we can read about and know that 4% is a bold face lie.

We can do it.

Awareness is the key. Prevention is the Answer.

Have faith. Have hope. Have dreams.