This year, my daughter is almost 4 months clean. She is in an inpatient facility, or better description would be a "home" for addicts. It truly is a home. Usually on the 4th pf July holiday, there was drama at a family barbecue, drama at the lake, or everyone walked around on our tip toes so we wouldn't set off the "Addi explosion". There were also many 4th of July holidays that we wouldn't hear from her at all.
Last year was the worst because she had been doing so well--and then relapsed around that time...so it puts my brain in paranoia mode. I have to literally make myself stop thinking about these things or I start panicking.
HOWEVER, this year, thankfully, I can hear firecrackers and not completely want to crumble up into the fetal position and cry. This year we visited her. This year, we drove 4.5 hours to see her and attend a barbecue with all of her housemates, supervisors and some people from their church who obviously love the girls who live in the residence. This year may be the year we start loving 4th of July again. The food was delicious, the girls were all so helpful with clean up; the conversation was wonderful and upbeat; and life was full of happiness and of hope. When they said grace for their food and celebration, I also said my own prayer, thanking God for these people who are helping these ladies, including my precious daughter. It was a lovely time and they were great hostesses.
On our way home, we started talking about years past...which is never a good thing to dwell upon. That old evil voice in my head kept playing on my fears and by the time we were home, I was somewhat sick to my stomach. Finally, I gave in and sent a text to her supervisor, Susie. I ADORE SUSIE. She is my God send. She gets me. She had a mother like me when she was also in recovery and has been clean TEN YEARS. She is an inspiration to all young women who enter that house and she is a calming, sweet and nurturing voice in the calm of our storm. I told Susie I needed to know Addi was okay--that I was about to have a mental breakdown with worry about years past. Susie assured me all was good, but she went ahead and messaged the lady in charge tonight. I felt like I was waiting for the police to call me and say "She's in jail." Rather, I got a call that said "She is good. They are attending a barbecue and fireworks at a church tomorrow." Oh my goodness. Heart back up into my chest. Thank you God.
My advice for any parent that gets that PTSD of fear and has those moments where you just panic---get out your Bible. Seriously. Read it and pray with all your heart. I have found that meditation and writing and talking myself through these moments are necessary so that I don't get in the car and try to drive hundreds of miles just to see her for my own codependency. After all--why would I do that?? Would it change anything if I did? I have never been able to stop the train wreck before. I had to get a lecture from my husband that was "Just have faith, Stephanie." After all, she has earned this chance for independence. This is her battle and this is her battle to win. I am nothing more than a spectator, a cheerleader, a fan.
Addi...we are all cheering for you on this independence day. We are so proud of you! Keep up the great work! Each day you are getting stronger and stronger, which makes me get stronger too. We are rooting for you. We love you. You have an army behind you. There is an army behind all of you who are suffering from addiction.
If you are an addict and suffering this holiday, you too can make this holiday great again. Make today your own independence day.
Break the dependency. Today. Do it.
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