Why Us? What Happened?

I've been approached by so many people lately with the same statement..."How did this happen to your family? It could have easily been my own."  My response is always, "yes, you are right. It could have been...or it could be."  The one thing my family have wanted out of this blog is to raise awareness; to make others see the signs I missed; or to save someone else who may be teetering on the same path my daughter chose. If we could save even one person or one family, this public airing of our faults, would be worth it. 

This week, I had a good week, but a stressful week. On Monday, I played in a golf tournament. I got a call from Washington, DC that said Senator Blunt wanted to speak with me. I couldn't very well abandon my partner (not that she needed my help) or talk on the phone during a tourney, so we made arrangements for us to have a phone call on Thursday morning. 

Let's go back in time for a moment. In 1997, I was the mom of two kids, who were 7 and 5, when Roy Blunt just won the United States House of Representatives race. I was approached by a fella from my home town (who thought I was funny and smart) about working in the congressional office in Joplin. I had just enrolled back at college, to pursue a degree in Communications and a minor in Political Science. This was a chance of a lifetime for me. I got the job, beginning January 1998. I worked for Roy for 4 years. It was during the Clinton administration and the impeachment, so it was not the greatest time to be dealing with the constituent calls in Southwest Missouri. I burnt out on politics during that time, so I resigned to work at a law office. Now that I have worked in domestic law for about 14 years, I think I was just destined to work in a field that I get to hear people call about their grievances. Roy was a fantastic boss. I loved my job and loved the opportunity and I still to this day, have on my dresser, a jewelry box, he gave me for Christmas from Peru. I made him sign the bottom of it. Roy has a way of making you feel welcome and he listens and he is just a good man. No political spin in this--I tell it like it is---he was a great boss. Truly. 

This week, I found myself wondering, how did this end up like this? I'm getting ready to have a conference call with a United States Senator about opiate reform. I'm getting ready to talk to a United States Senator about the heroin epidemic in JoMo. How did this happen to us? I wasn't that nervous about talking to him until my husband said "This is a very big deal, you realize. There are only 100 of them in the nation. The fact he is taking the time to talk to you, you better have your ducks in a row."  I was thinking "Me?"  Ducks??? I don't need ducks. I have facts. I have lived this hellacious roller coaster." The more I got to thinking about it, the more nervous I got. I had so many things I wanted to say. I became so nervous that I emailed his scheduler, who I consider my very dear friend, in DC and said "Ok, this is a big deal." He wrote me back and said "Steph, it's just Roy and you. Talk to him like its Roy."  I thought "Ok, I can do this." 

I didn't sleep a wink. I stayed up for 4 hours just writing down the thoughts and concerns and changes that I felt needed to be made and the help we need in SW Missouri. Note after note. I messaged my friends in the Southwest Missouri Alliance and they were so helpful, but I was still so nervous, it was ridiculous. In one week, I had bantered with some ass from St. Joseph about the Prescription Drug Monitoring Program and ended up in the Joplin Globe and now this week I was getting a conference call with a United States Senator. Me. Stephanie. Wow. This was all too surreal. 

The next morning, I got up extra early and got dressed and waited for my call. When it came, it was just Roy. My old boss. The man who went to "Show and Tell" with my daughter and read books to her class. The man who stopped in the Maple Leaf Parade just to hug me one year, even after I was long gone from politics. The man who wrote me a note when my stepdad died...and the man who still remembered my children's names. We had a great conversation. His first question was "Steph, what happened? Tell me how this happened?"  Do you know, that was the greatest entry question someone could ask, EVER. He cared to know what did happen and I told him. For 35 minutes, I told him. Good things happened out of that conversation...and no, Missouri Senator Schaaf's name was not even mentioned for those wondering. Not even uttered once.  This was my chance to tell him how it happened to the Addi he knew. This was my chance to tell him what is causing the kids like she was to turn into heroin addicts. 

The next day I got a call from two separate parents who took their kids to get teeth extracted. One got a script for 20 hydros; one got a script for another amount of opiates 
and both sets of parents told me that they would  have not thought about it except for my story and my pounding this issue into their heads. I'm telling you people---your kid can handle some pain. Your kid can handle some discomfort. That is part of life. There is no magic pill to fix every bump and bruise of our bodies or our minds. It will not kill them to have some pain. Addiction can kill them. A sprained ankle will not kill them. Drug addiction will. A separated shoulder will not kill your football player---but him eating opiates like candy can. My son managed to live through it without pain killers. My son had teeth extracted without pain killers. If you insist on getting them filled--monitor them. Don't let them use them for more than a day. They don't need all 20. Don't fill them UNLESS they need them and if you do have to fill them--keep them locked up and monitor them. I cannot reiterate this point to parents enough. YOUR KID CAN HANDLE SOME PAIN WITHOUT OPIATES. 

So for Roy's question..."What happened?" The answer is this...She was sick, in the hospital with mono and tic fever and she had opiates prescribed. I gave them to her like an antibiotic. I thought because they were prescribed, that she needed them. I didn't allow her to feel pain. I had no idea that those medications would grip her soul. I had no idea that she could become addicted to them. Now, my ignorance is your power. Please, try Advil, Aleve, whatever---but do not freely hand over that prescription to your teen. That is exactly what happened to us. The little girl who got read to by Congressman Blunt, now Senator Blunt---became a heroin addict. She wanted to be a school teacher. She deserved better. I should have been smarter. Do not have the regrets that I have about this issue. Be cautious. Be safe. Protect their innocence. 

I've attached below, the letter she wrote Congressman Blunt for coming to her school. The innocence makes me cry. I wish I could go back in time, but I cannot. In the meantime. though, I want to fight for your babies so that you will not miss the signs I did. The face of addiction is in my home. It's in my family. It's here and it CAN happen to you.

Signs and Symptoms Your Child Could Be Addicted --by Aaron Michael Garcia

Nothing can prepare you for the heartache and havoc of the struggle with addiction in your child. One day you wake up, confused, not knowing how you got here or what the future entails. Personally, I was that child. I had fallen into the cracks of addiction and lost who I once was. Luckily, I made my escape and now influence other individuals who continue to struggle with the same situation. But before the preparation begins on how to overcome addiction, you must catch it before it’s too late. I want to give you some key signs & symptoms of what to look for in your child and ways to manage if the occurrence ever happened. Let’s break it down into stages shall we?

Stage I

Change in Behavior: One of the first signs of substance abuse in a child is change in behavior. What use to be normal, such as positive influence, has now taken a U-turn. You find your child being less conservative. They no longer want to engage with you, nor take the time to inform you about their day. You see them locked in their room more often than not. Although this behavior is not always confirmation of addiction, because let’s be honest, teenagers-are-teenager, it can be an initial behavior you acknowledge at the start.  

Increased Agitation:  You may notice some increased agitation. An explosion of anger directed toward you for no obscene reason. They may appear short. The best way to approach the individual is to keep your composure. Let them know you love them and that you support them regardless of their behavior. This can be a frustrating time for the parent because they are thrown off by the behavior. Breathe through the storm.

Stage II

Loss of Interest: Every child should be involved in some sort of hobby. Whether it be sports, art, or music they should be constantly participating in something that gives them self-worth. When a child begins to lose interest in items they once had compassion for, good chance they may be using. Sit down with them and find the rationale as to why they have lost interest. It could be seasons in their life has changed, but strong possibility they could be struggling with substance abuse.

Isolation: A strong characteristic of addiction is isolation. You begin to notice they spend more time in their room or away from public. Isolation is a dark place. It is a place where depression builds up and thoughts can flood your mind. Much like an incarcerated individual, they go through psychosis and can lose who they are as an individual. You may need to look into counseling at this point and see what options are out there. Make sure to include your child in as much engagement around the household.

Stage III

Clinical Depression: The key symptom to substance abuse is depression. When a child is coming down they have increased depression which influences hopelessness. They become more fatigued, lose all focus on daily activities, and unable to function in society. You find them sleeping long hours throughout the day and have a poor appetite. Counseling or proper placement in an inpatient rehabilitation program may be needed. They can feel abnormal when they don’t use so they resort back to the drug or alcohol to feel “normal” again. You must engage and obtain resources that are available in your community.

Suicidal Ideations: Once you have reached this last stage you need to make sure the safety of your child is most important. Your child has been so consumed on addiction they have lost their own identity. They don’t know who they are anymore or how they got there. They don’t want to live anymore so the only way out is suicide. It is imperative that you get them to the closest emergency department and inform the counselors of the situation. Your child will be angry, but as a parent, it is your duty to make sure they are safe. Placing your child in an involuntary facility is much better than coming home to a child who is no longer there.

Again, these signs & symptoms do not necessarily facilitate your child is using drugs or alcohol. They are red flags so you may identify what to look for. Nobody wants to see their child go through the struggles of addiction so if we can be educated and inform parents on ways to manage addiction before it happens, we can catch it in the process.

73 Days Clean and Happy

73 days ago, my daughter was sitting in a jail cell and I was relieved because if she were still out on the streets---I knew she was going to die. Today, she is 73 days clean and "happier than she has been in 8 years", according to her. Her life has taken on new meaning and she inspires so many people, especially me. Last night, in our weekly phone call, I asked her "If you hadn't been arrested, where do you think you would be today?" She said "I would be dead. I know I would be."  I also said "If you could tell others that are suffering from addiction what it is like to get over that detox hump, what would you tell them?" She said "That I promise them, after the puking and sickness---there is hope. There is something so much greater at the end of that hell of detox--but they can do it. I did it. Day by day it will get easier, you will get stronger...but just know, that it is sooooo worth it!" She also wanted to me to share that even after almost 3 months, her back is still healing and due to the staph infection, she had to start another antibiotic just last week. THAT is how full of infection she had become. She said "they need to know the damage they are doing to their bodies. After almost 3 months, my body is still not fully healed."

Her heart, on the other hand, is healing quite well. She said that for the first time, she has no man interest in her life, no social media, no cell phone. She lives for the two calls per week she gets to make to us and other than that, she said she loves the freedom of cutting out the outside world and working on herself and her relationship with God. Our dear friend, Heather Roderique gave her a book called "You Can Begin Again" by Joyce Meyer and she said she loved it so much, that she started reading every other Joyce Meyer book that they had at her recovery center. They had 4, so now I am buying the rest of them to send her. She said "I can honestly say--every woman needs some Joyce Meyer in their life. Her books are inspiring and she makes you believe in yourself and your ability to love yourself again." She said "Please tell Heather again, thank you so much." She said she really does want others to know that there is hope and there is light at the end of the dark tunnel.

I have to give due credit to Heather Roderique. She is a Saint. She is the wife of a state championship coach of a powerhouse program; she is the mother of 3 beautiful smart, all super athletic children; but she is also one of the greatest women I know. She is the silent stud behind the family. She is dainty and beautiful. Sweet and trustworthy. I love Heather because she is such a faithful friend and beautiful person and she is always doing kind things for others and is the rock behind so many people. She is a quiet, faithful, gentle and kind rock. She had snuck onto our porch and left a gift sack for Addi shortly after she left for treatment. She tried to be incognito but we have a security system on our house that shows us our front door activity on camera. She was busted. :) If you know Heather Roderique--your life is blessed because of it.

Something I haven't been prepared for in this 73 days, is all the support, friendship, and outreach by so many, that I can't even begin to thank everyone. I feel like so many people are praying for my daughter and rallying behind her. She feels it too. I do believe there is power in numbers and power in prayer and with both---you can make miracles happen.

This week, I got somewhat distracted from my own personal happiness. I allowed a politician to de-rail my sunshine...and in the middle of even that little spat, something great happened. We had a Safe Teens Coalition Meeting yesterday in Joplin and we discussed the rising heroin problem and opiate epidemic in our own community and the disappointment we had in Missouri being the only remaining State that does not have prescription drug monitoring. We had a guest in attendance, which was Representative Charlie Davis. We had an open discussion that brought great points from so many different views, from law enforcement, parents, caseworkers and high school students. At the end of the meeting, Representative Davis said we changed his own mind about PDMP and he was now for the bill that he previously voted against. He was impacted by the testimony he had heard at the meeting. How exciting is that? How exciting that we have a State Rep that took the time to listen to our needs and to listen to why this area is in crisis. Maybe there are some good politicians in this world, after all.

Also, a neat and ironic thing that happened...last week, we attended a new church. We have been following a series of sermons online by Robin Sigars' called "The End of Me". He is the pastor for Carterville Christian Church. The sermons really hit home with a lot of things Addi had been going through. I kept having people message me telling me they would cry their eyes out in church listening to the sermon, and praying for my daughter. One friend in particular, who I had gone to high school with--named Tammy, kept messaging me about this particular series and how much she kept thinking of my family. We decided to go listen on Sunday. The church was super friendly. We knew so many people there and they made us feel so welcome. Our 4 year old loved his class and the sermon made me sob. We had picked seats within the church, for no particular reason...but come to find out--we had sat where Tammy usually sits. She saw us in their regular seats and said she was so happy to see us sitting there. We had no idea. I told my sister about some of the eerie things that happened (that whole Holy Spirit thing again) and she said "God does some really cool things."  Yes, yes he does.

I came home from work on Monday and had cookies at our door from the church, thanking us for coming. I must say that I have know Robin for years. He has been one of those people that I know is there. He has helped me in some dark times and always answered my questions and even wrote my daughter when she was in Tulsa--and probably never heard a word back from her. He has never bugged us about attending his church, or expecting anything from us...but quite simply---he was always there. I always knew he was there. On Sunday, I felt he was talking straight to our hearts. We loved their church and plan to attend again.

Another funny thing was while talking to Addi one night, were were discussing a loved one and her general unhappiness with life. I said "Maybe you could offer her some words of encouragement." Addi replied, "How about I work on fixing Addi and you just work on fixing Steph."  REALLY??? ADDI WAS GIVING ME ADVICE? Not only that--but good advice?  Think about that. If we all just worried about fixing our own selves and our own sins and our own struggles--wouldn't that trickle down to help others? Too many times we see the things that need changed in someone else but we don't see it in ourselves.

73 days clean and I thank God for her life. I thank all of you who have prayed for her and rooted for her and thought of her and have reached out to me. Every single person struggling deserves our compassion because if we all took the time to love people, rather than judge people--this world would be such a happier place.

Have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy your blessings. You are all blessings to me.

Dear Senator Schaaf

Dear Sir:

I don't know you personally, and will admit, I had never even heard of you until I started inquiring about the Prescription Drug Monitoring Program and wondering why Missouri is the ONLY state in the entire United States that does not have the program. That is where I first heard your name.

I've been around politics my entire life. I've worked for a US Representative, that is now a US Senator. My mother was the SW Missouri coordinator for a presidential election. She has worked on countless campaigns for people who are supposedly your colleagues, and your "friends." My entire family was raised and groomed in the Republican party, supposedly your party. I'm ashamed that you are a member of the party that my grandfather loved so much. Why? Because he loved EVERYONE and he loved his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. 

To go on further, about my grandfather, one of his great grandchildren is an addict. She became an addict because of opiates--because as a 15 year old, she was prescribed countless pain pills. Because her friends were being prescribed opiates for sprained ankles, broken arms, sore limbs, etc. they were all using opiates. After a car wreck, she was a full blown addict. Physicians were prescribing opiates left and right to young adults and creating the firestorm we now know as the "Opiate Epidemic."  

On Friday, I was playing in a benefit golf tournament and got the news that the Missouri Senate had rejected the Prescription Drug Monitoring Program AGAIN. By failing to pass this law, it has made Missouri the Mexico of the United States. Addicts doctor hop all over Missouri to get pain pills because we have no tracking system in our pharmacies. We are hurting our surrounding states because they do have the system and we are hindering their own effectiveness. 49 states have PDMP...only one does not. My state. Our state. Missouri. 

When I found out this bill failed again, it made my heart sink. To find out that one Senator,  you, Mr. Robert Schaaf, had caused this bill not to pass, I looked you up on Twitter and I read where discouraged Missourians like myself, were publicly denouncing you for holding up this legislation once again. You placed the blame on the lack of compromise and advised that we "should take it to the voters." It's the legislature's job to pass the laws--if we are going to vote on every detail--then why have a state legislature? In my view, you passed the buck. Not only are you a Senator, but a family physician. A family physician who also owns a company who sells malpractice insurance, I believe. In reading your curt and rude responses, I was insulted further. Therefore, I tweeted "Because you keep blocking it! What does it take? You to lose a child to opiate addiction? I would not wish that hell on anyone."  On 5/13/16 at 6:46 pm, you, Senator of MY HOME STATE, wrote the following: "You must be an idiot! I offered to compromise. If you think the people want it, why not put it to a vote?"  I was furious beyond measure that a Missouri State Senator, who is paid by the very people he represents, would talk to me in such a manner. It completely set my fire flaming. As I looked more into this--I found out that you are the same Senator who has blocked this legislation for 5 years. I also learned that your idea of compromise was to word the bill the exactly the way you wanted it, and only the way you wanted it. Further, I learned that your colleagues even agreed to take it to the voters, but then you refused, unless it had the verbiage you wanted. What would be the point? You knew there was none. 

I also learned that you, Senator, previously said this about addicts: "If they overdose and kill themselves, it just removes them from the gene pool."  Do you understand that the "gene pool" you are referring to are members of families all across Missouri and this nation? Do you understand that that this "gene pool" are the people you represent? Are you so wrapped up in your own ego and agenda that you are failing to see the very real problem in the State of Missouri? What is your motive? Are you fearful of the exposure your own medical practice might have, if this bill is passed? Do you believe that your family is immune to opiate addiction? If so, then you, sir, are the idiot. 

Opiate addiction has started in our students, it is our student athletes, our student council president's, our choir members, our Valedictorian's, they are our wives,  our husband's, our children---and yes, even in St. Joseph Missouri, there are countless people addicted to opiates. Have you ever visited the prison there? If not, you may want to go in there and actually assess the damage opiates have done to lives. It's not a "gene pool" problem--it is a national problem that was created by physicians who freely prescribed these medications without considering the damaging ramification. 

I would like for you to look in the eyes of the 9 people I know personally who have buried their children because of PILLS. Can you tell them that their "gene pool" was worthy of elimination? With due respect, Sir-it is your gene pool too. Sadly, some day, karma will come your way and you will find yourself face to face with the same hell my family, and countless others, have been dealt. Sadly, you will know someone who buries their son or daughter because they took too many pills or turned to heroin. Sadly, you may have a grandchild or great grandchild that becomes an addict...then you will fully understand the pain. Until then, you are doing nothing more than drawing a salary, insulting the integrity of public office and hurting the families of Missouri. 

You claim you are a devout Christian on your website. Since when did Christian's ever denounce the value of other human life? Since when did a physician not have the ethical responsibility to save the lives of everyone, not just those in which he agrees with their viewpoint. 

I challenge your colleagues to stand up to the way you have spoken to people and about people. I challenge my elected officials to denounce your tactics, your bullying and your pompous attitude to the Missouri citizens. You owe many an apology. You owe the families who have lost loved ones to addiction an apology. Your life is no more valuable than any of our children or loved ones. Although you may feel that you are superior, you are not. You are not immune to this epidemic. You are part of the problem. Step aside and let Missouri join the rest of the nation in the fight against opiate addiction. Claire McCaskill was right, when she stated that you are part of Missouri's problem. 

You sir, make me embarrassed to be a Republican. You make me embarrassed to be a Missourian...even though you think I am an idiot...today, I still prayed for you. I prayed that you would see the light and that you would take the time to talk to the people fighting for their lives in active addiction. I prayed that you would open your heart to feel compassion for my friends who have buried their children.  I prayed that you would take a step outside of your well polished shoes and look at others besides your small group of cheerleaders. I prayed that you would read my blog and read my family's battle with having an opiate addict. I prayed that you would never have to experience the loss of a child due to drug addiction but would still find a way to identify with those who have. I prayed that you would visit a rehab and talk to the addicts trying to conquer this disease. I prayed that you would talk to pharmacists who are pushing for this legislation because they see the problem first hand. I prayed that you would donate your salary to a treatment center that helps addicts. I prayed that you would put politics aside to see the eyes of the people you have hurt. I prayed that you would apologize for the horrible way you have talked to Representative Rehder in her fight for PDMP. I prayed that you, sir, would take the steps to either step up in your last two years, to help Missouri...or that you will step down.  

I am praying for Missouri. 

Sincerely,

Stephanie Patterson
Carl Junction, Missouri
Mother of an opiate addict
Grandmother of an opiate addicts "gene pool".  

If You Don't Change Your Playmates and Playground--You will Never Change Your Life.

Okay, I admit, this is a bit of a rant tonight. I'm a tad bit aggravated.

I hate Facebook for many reasons, but in the social media world, it is a necessary evil to get your message spread widely. One of the things I absolutely loathe is that conversations that I have no part of, will show up in my news feed sometimes if a friend of mine comments.  Fortunately, I haven't taken my mom's approach, by commenting on everything I see. She comments on literally everything. 

Today, I had something pop up that boiled my blood. I started to respond to a conversation that I was not involved. I deleted. I typed again. I deleted. I read where a "boyfriend" of a girl who just passed away in April, was disrespecting her mother. The mom, who would like to deactivate her daughter's account is in the same boat I am in on one of my daughter's accounts. She has zero information to change her daughter's settings. Facebook is zero help in this regard. My daughter had a "boyfriend" who changed her contact information after their break up--so due to neither of us having any ability to receive secret codes or emails or anything---this account still exists and she cannot get Facebook to shut it down. It's irritating. If my daughter had died and I was experiencing this "tagging" from her drug addict friends, I would probably not handle it as well as this lady has done. It is a natural feeling to want to protect your daughter's reputation, her history and her memories that you can see on her social media. If she wants people to stop tagging her daughter, because they were the same people that she feels negatively impacted her daughter's choices--or even if it is just a bad reminder to her senseless loss---then respect her mother. For God's sake, this woman buried her daughter over a stupid choice to do drugs. Respect the fact she wants to salvage her daughter's page without interference by others. Her loss IS the greatest pain and she doesn't need to defend that feeling to anyone, certainly not to people who are still making those stupid choices.

As I perused a bit more, I noticed several familiar names of young adults who are trying to get clean, trying to stay clean, also commenting on his status, and it baffled me. It started concerning me a great deal, actually, because two girls in particular, I care about a great deal. How would they feel if they passed away and this response was being aimed at their grieving mother's? Think about that. 

Hanging around, associating with, or being a part of a group of people who are still in addictive addiction is a sure ticket to your relapse. Unless you are all going to an NA meeting together (and that doesn't always ensure sobriety either)--there is nothing good that will come from hanging onto these relationships. Every person I have talked to that has stayed clean for years and is actually doing well has either had to move away--or they completely do not hang around the group of people they did before. They can't. Too many triggers, too many bad influences and too many temptations to self destruct.

Look at your friends list if you are in recovery. Do you still have friends that dealt you drugs? Do you still have friends who you used drugs with? Do you still have friends that are in active addiction posting their ignorant posts bragging about doing drugs? If so---DELETE, BLOCK, WHATEVER---BUT distance yourself NOW. I'm not saying that you shouldn't pray for their recovery or wish them well--but you cannot save someone else while trying to save yourself. Recovery must be selfish and you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. 

I'll be candid. When I see the same young adults who I KNOW are addicts or have been addicts, chiming in on posts--it sets off my radar. It makes me think its still trickling into your head. It makes me think that you still are living a secret life of sorts.  It makes me think you haven't had the balls to cut off the contact to "that world." 

In the drug free world---our friends aren't on Facebook post alerts nearly every other night stealing from stores. Our friends aren't overdosing and people bailing out of the house to prevent from being caught at the scene. Our friends aren't on the weekly arrest reports.  Our friends pay their bills and have jobs. Our friends aren't couch surfing and homeless and stealing stuff from people's cars to buy drugs. If your friends list consists of those people--you need to clean up your friends list. You are not doing yourself any favors. As a matter of fact, tonight, I'm going to clean up my own friends list. I don't even want to associate with anyone who is living that life my daughter is trying to free herself from. I'll talk to anyone on my public page, but my personal page is getting an overhaul. I've gotten so many friend requests that I stopped accepting them--so if you request me as a friend, please send me a message of who you are and why you are adding me. If you are friends of my family, I'll add ya. I'm just not opening up my private life to every person on earth. I want to help as many people as I can--but I too, want to protect my daughter and her fight for recovery. 

I'm watching some people in recovery who are working so hard to start over---they don't need your negative influences. If recovery isn't your goal--then leave recovering addicts alone. They don't need your invitation to hell.

I'm not saying that an addict's life is less valuable--you should absolutely pray that they see the light and come back to planet earth. We should all support everyone who wants to be free from addiction--but in order to be free yourself, you MUST cut off those who prevent you from starting over.  I really do believe all lives are valuable and all people should deserve a chance to change...but if your same friends commenting on your page are the same ones who watched you stick a needle in your arm, you need to change your friends. 

Those in recovery must shield their hearts, their minds and their goals from negative influences if they want to make it. 

Fight for your life. Let that other life go. Do it for you, because you deserve it.

To Addi--You WILL Be There

Received my weekly call from Addi tonight. Since we just visited her she was somewhat down, somewhat homesick for her family. I think seeing her brother, made her miss him even more. She said it was a rough day today. She said she has extreme guilt for not being at his June wedding. She said she feels guilt for missing so many things important to him over the years and this is the biggest day of his life. Ever since we hung up the phone, thoughts are flooding my brain about this topic. 

Dearest Addi:

It WILL be the most important day of his life, for sure. He is marrying the love of his life, and a girl that he has been dating since 11th grade. His future wife has had to become familiar with the pain and sorrow that addiction brings to families and she has seen Austin suffer immensely from worry...but on this special day, we get to celebrate two things--them being united in marriage---and also, that our Addi is ALIVE!

He and I talked a lot this weekend about you not being there and he is insistent that you will not. He is adamant that you will not make this trip back to this area sooner than planned for his wedding. He is adamant that no rules will be stretched and no accommodations made because you are EXACTLY where he wants you to be. He says that you being there is the GREATEST GIFT you could ever give him. 

He feels strongly that this day in his life, although a huge day, is just a small part of the many days and memories that you will get to enjoy together in the future with your growing families. He would much rather have his sister around to enjoy for many years to come, than risk the progress by stepping foot back into this war zone of drugs. As a mom, it rips at my heart. Of course, I always wanted to see my babies in each other's weddings--but I support him 100% in this decision and to be honest, its not an option any way, so you shouldn't feel any guilt about it. You simply cannot come. You have your own "main event" to attend, which is called "Saving your life."

I want you know, that from the moment he was born, he looked up to you with such love and adoration and you were always his protector. As the years have gone on, your roles have reversed and now he protects you---but nothing, no one, no single event in this world can ever break the bond that the "AD's" have. I am grateful that he is marrying a woman who feels the same way about her brother, therefore she appreciates and respects the love he has for you.  

I want you to know that you will be with all of us in spirit, in a great spirit rather than a dooming sadness of a note transcribed in a wedding script that says "In memory of Addison" as you very well could have been. None of us thought you would make it to his wedding. We thought your funeral would be held before his wedding day would ever come. We are all just so thankful, grateful, blessed and happy that you are there, alive, and can celebrate, even if on the wedding night, you are celebrating the new lives with your six friends. I will even send you girls some party favors.  We will ensure the day is just as special for you as it is for all of us---because you WILL be with us. You WILL be there.

Addi, you are never away from home. You may not see us every day but the battle you are fighting and the bravery you have shown, truly is the best gift you can ever give your brother. Truly. He's been waiting 6 years for this gift. 

With this little cheesy poem, I close this topic...

"You were there for him from the day he was born, right from the very start...

You will be with him on his wedding day, because you are always in his heart."

All of us are excited for this new chapter in his life and we are all so very blessed to know, your chapter is still being written and we will all be together again soon and the greatest memories in your own life are yet to be had. Please know that you are right where you belong and we are blessed by it. Maybe someday in the future, he can walk you down the aisle and give you away to a good, Christian man like you deserve...let's wait about 3 years for that though. :)

So don't you worry. You will be there. You will be in our hearts, minds, thoughts and prayers. He will be able to fully enjoy this day knowing you are safe and healthy. His miracle sister will await his next visit. Your life is a gift. The best gift. 

 He and Jordan love you very much. 

Mother's Day and 60 days clean

Today, this Mother's Day, I sat in a church in a town I've been to only a handful of times, in a church I've never been and felt very happy to be there. My son was sitting beside me and in front of us was a row of girls who are currently in drug treatment. One of them was mine. 

Yesterday we visited her at the house for her first visit. She has been there now 30 days, so was allowed a visit with immediate family. Since my son and I have been to so many treatment centers for visitation, we expected to have a body cavity search and to leave a sample of our blood and DNA at the door, along with a signed promise that we wouldn't take pictures, wouldn't let her use the phone, wouldn't bring in food, or anything else, for that matter. It was a much different atmosphere. We took a ton of pictures of each other. Everyone was taking pictures of their families. Kids were running on the playground (at at times in the house with a very high level of shrill); families were interacting; and my daughter was good. She is real good. She is happy. She is funny again. She is witty. She is smart. She loves to read again. We got her an eye exam and some new glasses, so being able to see, is probably a real advantage to her as well. 

She showed us her desk where she studies each day. It is plastered with cards, notes, letters from family and friends. My sister is obviously writing her a lot, because my nieces were wallpapered all over her work area. :)  In just 30 days, she has been shown such a tremendous amount of love and support from people she least expected--even some she has never met.  I cannot begin to thank everyone who has written her and especially those who have prayed for her. Her supervisors are protective and they screen her mail and she had a letter that they didn't know the person, so it hadn't been approved yet---my heart dropped. "Was it one of THEM?"  No, it wasn't. It was a lady from a church that has her on a prayer chain because she knows a family friend. She is fiercely protected by those who run the organization, yet she is being given trust and duties and she seems to be loving life. 

She made me a mother's day gift that is priceless. She took a walk with her brother and talked and hadn't been able to do that in years. I think at any other rehab the best we got to do was walk outside and shoot baskets, but it was all so very "institutionalized." I think the difference is the medication. There is none. No lines for medication time. No worrying about people trading meds for other stuff. The freedom from the drugs that supposedly control drug addiction--seems to be just as much of a sense of freedom to her as heroin itself. 

I am biased, but feel she is beautiful. I know she is only 60 days clean, but it's the cleanest 60 days she has ever been. A clean break. Fresh start...and I love that there are no men there. She can focus on herself. She can focus on loving herself again for once. I couldn't be happier with her choice of this treatment facility. I do feel its a different way of life and that the women that are doing well, its because they WANT to be there, which is a difference. There is no pressure to be "fixed" in 30 days. Its a process and she is working hard on that process.

Today I watched her in church. I was listening to the message, but I kept staring at her. I saw her pray. I saw her sing. I saw her tear up when one of her housemates gave a testimonial. I saw emotion. I also saw confidence in herself that I hadn't seen. She feels comfortable in her skin--well, almost. Of course I had to screw that up a little bit. My son, always the wise one, gives me tips after we leave on how I could have said something better or handled something in a more positive manner. I find myself listening to him. No one knows her better than he does. Her back is so scarred and she was showing it to me, how she is ashamed to wear a bathing suit at the Y or a sleeveless shirt, trying to get some sun outside because of the scars. I showed them to him and he later told me that he felt she wanted them healed and not reminded by me that they are there. She wants to leave her addiction behind her and that I shouldn't bring them up any more....so what do I do? I blog about them. Sorry sis.

I believe her scars will make her stronger. I believe her outside scars will tell a story to help others. I believe they are no different than the long line that runs down my stomach from a horrible surgery when I was the same age as she was---it reminds me of a painful time, but it also reminds me that it happened 3 weeks after I had my son, which was a joyous moment in my life. I believe that her scars will heal both internally and externally and that with each piece of skin that heals better---so will her inside scars. It is a process and that process has begun on her physically and mentally.

I know they read my blogs---so this is my maternal advice to the girls:

1. Microfiber is not going to work in the living room. We gotta get you some donated leather furniture. That stuff cannot hold up in a house WITHOUT kids, let alone with many in and out. Just sayin'. Sort of off the point, but I'm determined to find you some new furniture and some upholstery cleaner will be en route tomorrow. Stephie can't handle stain marks on microfiber. Grosses me out. :)

2.  Treat that house as if it is Gods land of rescue---because it is. Keep it clean, shining, beautiful and be proud of it, just like he is proud of you. It looked so nice when we arrived yesterday and then by the time all the families were there, it was a wreck. Families have to respect the house too and just like having guests into your home, make them respect the beautiful home you have been provided.  

3.  Always respect each other. Respect your differences, your similarities, your belongings, your space and understand that you are different--but your goal is the same. Empower one another to reach the ultimate goals. Be sisters in Christ. Love one another. Always talk out disagreements and understand that sometimes you won't always agree--but that is life. 

4.  Embrace the moment that you have right now. Never take for granted this opportunity you have been given. Yes, some days will be hard--but as a friend said recently "my worst days clean are better than any day using." Truth. Sometimes you won't like each other very much. There are some days I don't like my own husband---but I appreciate, respect and love him and know he works hard for his family.

5. Be good to your supervisors and leaders. They have been through so many life experiences that can help you...
and follow rules. Rules are in place for a reason. If you break little rules, it gets easier to break big rules. Don't break or bend any rules and you will learn far more from structure and obedience than you will ever learn by manipulating a system. Your addictive ways make you naturally want to push the limits. Don't do it. Encourage each other to be leaders. Encourage rules and follow them yourself so others will see you as a good example.

I'm going to write you all, but that was a little preview. Addi warned you I am a toughie to please. :)

I feel so blessed today. I got to be with my babies. I got to see my daughter smile. I got to hug her and kiss her and I got to tell her I love her. I got to hear "Mom, I love you." Thank you, Addi, for a wonderful weekend of hope, faith and calm. I love you and am sooooooo proud of you. 

So...I dedicate this to Tammy, Alissa, Melanie, Marsha, Stacy, Teresa, April, Brenda and any other mom that didn't get to do that today because their child is gone. You weighed on my heart all day long. I prayed for each of you.

Happy Mothers Day to ALL of YOU

I feel somewhat guilty because this year, I'm going to be spending my Mother's Day with all of my children. I know that I am lucky beyond measure. I know that I easily could be missing a huge part of my heart this Mother's Day. 

So--for those of you who have lost their children, I pray for you. I pray that you focus on your memories of your child before the addiction took them away. If you have other children, then I pray that you focus on the children still around you that need you and love you. I hope you find ways to smile and know that it TRULY was not your fault. I hope that you go out and plant some flowers or go to dinner or indulge in something that you deserve--because you truly are the toughest of warriors. 

To the mom's missing a child--my heart aches for you and you are never far from my mind. I think of you all the time and I know that I am just a relapse or bad choice from being in your shoes. I appreciate you for reminding me of that and I appreciate your strength, your encouragement and I appreciate you for still rooting for my child even though yours may be gone from this cruel world.

To all the mom's who have children still alive and battling addiction...I pray for you and your child. I pray that they wake up and see the light and that they do not make this Mother's Day your last one together. I pray that they see the pain of all the mom's who are suffering and they make the choice not to put you through that hell. I pray that they find light and hope and peace and beat this devil disease. I pray for you to get a good night's rest and pray that you too know that it TRULY is not your fault. I pray that you find hope and faith and do not give up.

To the mom's suffering from addiction---please, do your children a favor and get help NOW. Do not make your children dread this holiday as a yearly memory of the mother who chose drugs over them. Make this holiday a special day where their mom found new life, new hope, new dreams and new strength. On this Sunday, go to church and ask for help if you are suffering. Be the mother that God wants you to be and that your children need you to be.

Mother's are special. They aren't always easy to deal with---they may sometimes tell you what you don't want to hear and sometimes they have to make decisions that are for the best but you may not agree with---but I can promise you...no one loves you like your Mother loves you. Simply no one.

The Reward Center of the Mind --by Aaron Michael Garcia

     The brain, professionals say, is the most invasive created organism on the planet, and quite possibly in existence. Of all the things in this world, such as plants, trees, creatures, mother earth, this universe, the brain seems to outweigh the by standards that completes human existence. What goes on in the brain is fascinating to say the least. Neurons, synopses—a balance of regularity—all is consistently going on within your skull without you attempting voluntarily moving a muscle. But there’s this one area of the brain a lot of people are unaware of—it’s called the reward center. The pathway circuit located in the brain called the hypothalamus, the key detector of reward, releases dopamine to exhibit a sense of accomplishment and pleasure. Under normal conditions, we have natural reward response’s such as food, sex, and social interaction that instinctively drives us. Pretty weird right? Let’s go further.

     What if I was to tell you that you were meant to be addicted? Would you believe me? Addiction has had a negative stigma ever since it was founded during the “hippie generation.” But each one of us, considered addict or not, has some sort of addiction. Some reward is good, but when we fall into the traps of this world, we lose who we are as an individual. When a person uses drugs for the first time the brain is flooded with dopamine and the individual gets an overwhelming sense of accomplishment, euphoria, creativity, and reward. We actually trick our brain into thinking we are giving it something good. What happens in the process when we begin to use often is the dopamine receptors lose the ability to make us feel good, in which, the user goes back for more to get that same sense of reward. This is called substance tolerance. This is where a person goes from recreational using to addiction. The attempt to always get back to that same high. Following the increasingly upper-level of dopamine that floods the brain you drop down below the normal level. This is where hopelessness, depression, anxiety, and loss of self comes from. You begin to hate who you are and what you have become. You always attempt to go back to the “feel good” sensation, but the reality is you will never get there. You keep falling deeper-and-deeper into the abyss of hopelessness and eventually suicide comes into focus because you can’t take it anymore. Let me switch gears for you because as you read this I want to fill you up with hope and a new way of thinking.

     Life was meant to be embraced. To wake up every morning fresh, anew, and ready for the next big thing. You have to exchange your old reward center for a new one. Imagine you are a car, weird, I know, but just follow me here. As you use drugs your engine begins to run at high speeds, the oil begins to thicken, and eventually the car has a lot of miles on it. You keep taking it into the shop and getting it checked out, but after you leave the shop you go back to revving up the engine again until you blow it. Now you are left with a car who’s engine doesn’t run and you find yourself on the edge of the road waiting for a tow truck. This is your tow truck opportunity in this life right now. You can change everything at this very moment, you don’t have to keep going back to the shop. We need to transform the way you think. The Bible even says, “Not to be conformed to this world, but transform your mind daily.” Don’t conform to the patterns of this world, transform your mind to the things which bring life. Instead of waking up wanting to use volunteer at a local charity. Something happens when you serve others. Addiction is an inward look, but if we can get you to look outward and invest in other people’s lives it helps fulfill your life. Get yourself in an environment away from other addicts and people who bring you down. “Bad company corrupts good behavior.” So even if you are trying to quit using, the same individuals can keep bringing you back in. Find motivated people who are with you, not for you because you use drugs.
     
     The reward center is a beneficial enzyme that’s natural, but when taken out of its normal environment it can bring destruction. Change the way you think. Change the way you use reward by creating self-worth and accomplishment from positive things. As you transform the things within your mind people will see the transformation on the outside. This sense of accomplishment will bring satisfaction that does not come from this world, but is used as a launch pad to transcend you into the next chapter of your life. I encourage you today, use the reward center for self-accomplishing things by volunteering, joining a support group, and getting into the right environment. By this, you will have more gifts and characteristics than you could possible imagine. Take advantage of the reward center within your mind!

I am Just a Mom with a Blog

Oh how I would love to solve the addiction problem--but I just have no idea how to do it. 

I'm getting so many messages from people wanting help and I simply don't have the answers. I'm not an addiction counselor. I have no qualifications to advise you. I literally am nothing but a mom with a blog. Truly. 

I can tell you how it feels to love your addicted daughter and try to get her help and the horrible feeling when she just blows you off. 

I can tell you how it feels to know your kid is lying to you.

I can tell you how heart wrenching it is to see your own flesh and blood stammer out sentences and have wounds on their flesh that you are know are from drugs and they claim they are "spider bites."

I can tell you how it feels when the first time you take your child to a rehab and you think they are magically going to fix them and they put them on "opiate blocking receptors" or whatever other poppycock names they have---and I can also tell you they don't work.

I can tell you how it feels to go to bed for nearly a week because you grieve someone who is still alive.

I can tell you how it feels when you think you are losing your damn mind when your earrings are missing, or your money is missing, and it just so happens your addict was just there--but they "don't know what happened to it."

I can tell you how it feels to know that you have paid for college to better your child's life and that they have dropped out of school, THREE TIMES...

I can tell you what it feels like to look at the person you gave birth to and almost hate their guts.

I can tell you how it feels to dread answering the phone or door after a certain hour.

I can tell you how it feels like to plan your daughter's funeral while she is still alive. I'm still struggling with whether I use the "softball coaches",  "little brothers"...the "cousins"...the "uncles" or her REAL high school friends (none that ever used drugs with her) as pall bearers. 

I can tell you what song I want played at her funeral, dedicated to her brother...that she picked out.

I can tell you how it feels when she relapsed many times.

I can tell you the pain I feel, as the mother of an addict...but I can also tell you that I had times I felt it couldn't be worse. I felt her death would be a relief...and was told by friends who had children who died, say "NO. YOU DO NOT MEAN THAT!"  I can also tell you, that they told me--- "that as long as they are breathing and living...THERE IS HOPE." They were right. Although, I didn't feel that way six months ago, or 16 months ago. I do feel that now. There truly is hope.

I can't counsel you. 

I'm not qualified to do an intervention. 

I'm not a police officer (even though I'd love to be promoted to detective because I would solve some crimes REAL FRAPPIN' FAST). 

I'm not a doctor. I can't detox your child and I can only tell you what I did with mine. I don't know what drugs your loved one has taken...and honestly---do YOU even know for sure? Truthfully, you probably have no real idea. 

I CAN tell you this...I love my daughter with all my heart and she was my first love of my life. I started blogging when I felt she was dying. I re-started when it was over in my mind so I just wanted to help someone else. She was done. It was a matter of time...BUT I stand before you today and am happy to report that I have a girl who is 60 days clean and writing letters to her loved ones, expressing love and talking about her hopes, dreams, and promise of a better future. 

THERE IS A GOD, there is a way out and there are people qualified to help you get there. If you are where you can read this and need help...utilize your computer, your phone, or walk into any church in this area. Impact, Destiny, CCO, Carterville Christian Church, Forest Park, St. Paul's... the list goes on and on....and someone CAN help you. If you don't believe that God is your answer--walk into Mercy Hospital or a facility that will help you without drugging you. 

I can tell you that BHG is not your friend. They are a there for your money. They don't care if you live or die.

I can tell you that there are some real doctors in this world who care. 

My doctor, for example. He won't peddle you pills. He will help you get help. He is a good man. He has dealt with my daughter for years and tried to help her. Sorry Doc, for throwing you in my blog---but he is the real deal. He doesn't give you drugs just because you want them and he does care about his patients. If it wasn't 11:30 pm, I would give his name. I don't want to do that without asking him first.

So...I am going to compile a resource list and send it to anyone who requests it. You choose the avenue to get help. I am nothing more than a writer. A person living it with you. A poster distributor for awareness. I cannot fix my own family. If I could, I wouldn't even have this blog. 

I want all of us to help each other and I want kids lives to be saved. If you have a resource for recovery to add to the list, please message me with it. I will add it. 

I love the faith so many of you have in me--but I'm just not qualified to do it and would never want to steer you wrong.

With MUCH LOVE...together we can make a difference.

What are YOUR Limits?

I must admit, I have a lot going on in my world. My daughter is tucked away, doing very well, but I do miss her. Almost sounds odd to say, because I don't miss the drama. I do miss the REAL person though. I look forward to her weekly calls like a teenager waiting for a date to call.

My son is getting married in June; my little one turns 4 tomorrow; this is our first Spring without college football in 5 years and the office I work for is in the middle of a hectic move. The move itself wasn't hectic but AT&T is killin' me. They cannot get our phones and Internet in sync and its making me INSANE. On top of that, my poster campaign for schools is being completed--but looks like most schools won't have them in until the following year since it's almost time for summer. I'm constantly thinking of other places I would like to put them, such as jails, juvenile detention centers, the courthouse hallway---places that so many see. I want to change lives, I want to open conversation. I want to get people the help they need. 

My son's blog has had a positive response from so many people. He said he felt such a peace about writing it. He's writing and helping others and Addi is receiving letters from many people she did not expect, who are helping her. Generous outpouring of love from so many people. She has received letters from close friends and family that mean so much to her. Addi is not a "crier." She is tough. She internalizes everything which isn't a good thing being an addict. She read me a letter tonight from her cousin Syd that made her sob. She said she had read it 3 times. It was beautifully written and it said something to her that she had been really harboring some pain about---her dad. After reading my son's blog, I realized that their pain from their dad's behavior or lack of interest in their lives, has effected them both far more than I even fathomed or recognized. I knew it hurt them, but I didn't know they felt "abandoned" or "walked out on." Addi said that she felt God was talking to her through Sydney's letter telling her --"You have a dad. He is your stepdad. He's been there through the hardest parts of your life. Be grateful for your blessing rather than focusing on someone else's absence." It really spoke to her heart at a time she needed it.

Something that bothered me in my son's blog and I feel I must clear up is this--- he referred to his dad as "walking out on us." I almost changed the wording on it when I uploaded it but I thought, "No, it's his words." Anyone that knows me and knows my life knows that I have not been a perfect mother, perfect person or perfect wife. I feel the need to defend their dad a bit...but I asked my son, "Can you tell me why you used those choice of words? Because I left the house. I filed for divorce." He stated "Mom, it was not about the divorce. It was about moving an hour away when I was 16. It was about the way he stopped talking to Addi way longer than that. I have felt he walked out on me as I've grown older-not during your divorce. I feel like she must have felt that way for a long time before then and that hurts me because now I know how she must have felt all those years before."  Okay, that makes sense. I can see how they feel that way or how he feels that way. I just have never wanted my children to ever feel that I want them to resent their dad or that I made perfect decisions because nothing is further from the truth. I realize that if their dad wanted to be in their lives today, that his five minutes of attention would possibly mean more than my five years and that is just the way it goes in life. As I got to thinking further back on things, it bothered me even more because it angers me that he put them in the position to even feel that way. Any time someone rejects or hurts your kids, it hurts you. It angers you. I know deep in my heart that he loves them. How could he not? I know they love him...sometimes though, people reach a limit--they can't handle the hurt any more...so they give up. Maybe it's best if my kids gave up yearning for his acceptance or attention. His love or lack of attention does not define them. In fact, it may have made them stronger in ways. They reached their limit. I can't blame them for that. I just want them to know that it is not a reflection on them, it is not about them--it is something he must live with when he looks in the mirror. I will happily take credit for both of them, their mistakes, their achievements, their personalities, their successes and their failures. I will take it all, the good and the bad. I too, reached my limit when it came to him.

Sometimes though, people we love are so negatively influencing in our lives in ways that hinder our growth that you have to let them go. Friends, relatives, etc. sometimes even our parents. So many addicts that reach out to me in messages are struggling to stay clean, while their parents are still addicts. Same with boyfriends/girlfriends and even spouses. Sometimes you must step away from that relationship for awhile and give yourself the space to sort it out. 

I've been watching the news and some of the same young men getting arrested over and over and over again. Two or three days later, I see them with the same people who they got arrested with, and making the same dumb choices. I just wonder, what does it take? Is that not the wake up call you need? Did your friend dying last month, not cause you to have a wake up call? Are you waiting until you die from an overdose? What is the limit? 

How many friends must die, must be arrested, must be incarcerated before you wake up and think "hey, maybe this isn't the crowd for me?--I've reached my limit."

I've been talking to so many young people on here that I want to lead to help--but I'm not going to chase you. Been there, done that, with my daughter. It doesn't work. Chasing an addict is like chasing the wind. You are never going to catch them. Until they have reached their limit, this cycle will continue. I can blog until my heart is content, but if they don't truly want to get help--they aren't going to. 

So what is your limit? Robbery charges? Death of a girlfriend? Death of many friends? Track marks in your arms? Losing custody or visitation rights to your child? Being homeless? What if your limit is "I'm going to rehab tomorrow" and you shoot up and die? What if your last pill ends up costing you your life? I won't seek you out. I care about all of you, but I won't play the cat and mouse game with addicts. It's a senseless waste of time . All I know is your time is running out. This cat and mouse game is going to end if you don't reach your "limit" soon. 

Parents and spouses of addicts--what is YOUR limit? You really should ask yourselves that question. The best book I ever read in the self-help section was "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You." Best advice I ever got. It taught me that I can't change her behavior and I wasn't going to let her rob me of my life and happiness too. Set YOUR limit.

So--to those who REALLY want help...when you reach that limit, reach out for help. I will help you find help...but I will not chase you down...because I reached my limit long ago. When you reach that limit--you will know. I hope you reach it soon. It's staring you in the face. Please know your limit before its too late.