Yesterday we visited her at the house for her first visit. She has been there now 30 days, so was allowed a visit with immediate family. Since my son and I have been to so many treatment centers for visitation, we expected to have a body cavity search and to leave a sample of our blood and DNA at the door, along with a signed promise that we wouldn't take pictures, wouldn't let her use the phone, wouldn't bring in food, or anything else, for that matter. It was a much different atmosphere. We took a ton of pictures of each other. Everyone was taking pictures of their families. Kids were running on the playground (at at times in the house with a very high level of shrill); families were interacting; and my daughter was good. She is real good. She is happy. She is funny again. She is witty. She is smart. She loves to read again. We got her an eye exam and some new glasses, so being able to see, is probably a real advantage to her as well.
She showed us her desk where she studies each day. It is plastered with cards, notes, letters from family and friends. My sister is obviously writing her a lot, because my nieces were wallpapered all over her work area. :) In just 30 days, she has been shown such a tremendous amount of love and support from people she least expected--even some she has never met. I cannot begin to thank everyone who has written her and especially those who have prayed for her. Her supervisors are protective and they screen her mail and she had a letter that they didn't know the person, so it hadn't been approved yet---my heart dropped. "Was it one of THEM?" No, it wasn't. It was a lady from a church that has her on a prayer chain because she knows a family friend. She is fiercely protected by those who run the organization, yet she is being given trust and duties and she seems to be loving life.
She made me a mother's day gift that is priceless. She took a walk with her brother and talked and hadn't been able to do that in years. I think at any other rehab the best we got to do was walk outside and shoot baskets, but it was all so very "institutionalized." I think the difference is the medication. There is none. No lines for medication time. No worrying about people trading meds for other stuff. The freedom from the drugs that supposedly control drug addiction--seems to be just as much of a sense of freedom to her as heroin itself.
I am biased, but feel she is beautiful. I know she is only 60 days clean, but it's the cleanest 60 days she has ever been. A clean break. Fresh start...and I love that there are no men there. She can focus on herself. She can focus on loving herself again for once. I couldn't be happier with her choice of this treatment facility. I do feel its a different way of life and that the women that are doing well, its because they WANT to be there, which is a difference. There is no pressure to be "fixed" in 30 days. Its a process and she is working hard on that process.
Today I watched her in church. I was listening to the message, but I kept staring at her. I saw her pray. I saw her sing. I saw her tear up when one of her housemates gave a testimonial. I saw emotion. I also saw confidence in herself that I hadn't seen. She feels comfortable in her skin--well, almost. Of course I had to screw that up a little bit. My son, always the wise one, gives me tips after we leave on how I could have said something better or handled something in a more positive manner. I find myself listening to him. No one knows her better than he does. Her back is so scarred and she was showing it to me, how she is ashamed to wear a bathing suit at the Y or a sleeveless shirt, trying to get some sun outside because of the scars. I showed them to him and he later told me that he felt she wanted them healed and not reminded by me that they are there. She wants to leave her addiction behind her and that I shouldn't bring them up any more....so what do I do? I blog about them. Sorry sis.
I believe her scars will make her stronger. I believe her outside scars will tell a story to help others. I believe they are no different than the long line that runs down my stomach from a horrible surgery when I was the same age as she was---it reminds me of a painful time, but it also reminds me that it happened 3 weeks after I had my son, which was a joyous moment in my life. I believe that her scars will heal both internally and externally and that with each piece of skin that heals better---so will her inside scars. It is a process and that process has begun on her physically and mentally.
I know they read my blogs---so this is my maternal advice to the girls:
1. Microfiber is not going to work in the living room. We gotta get you some donated leather furniture. That stuff cannot hold up in a house WITHOUT kids, let alone with many in and out. Just sayin'. Sort of off the point, but I'm determined to find you some new furniture and some upholstery cleaner will be en route tomorrow. Stephie can't handle stain marks on microfiber. Grosses me out. :)
2. Treat that house as if it is Gods land of rescue---because it is. Keep it clean, shining, beautiful and be proud of it, just like he is proud of you. It looked so nice when we arrived yesterday and then by the time all the families were there, it was a wreck. Families have to respect the house too and just like having guests into your home, make them respect the beautiful home you have been provided.
3. Always respect each other. Respect your differences, your similarities, your belongings, your space and understand that you are different--but your goal is the same. Empower one another to reach the ultimate goals. Be sisters in Christ. Love one another. Always talk out disagreements and understand that sometimes you won't always agree--but that is life.
4. Embrace the moment that you have right now. Never take for granted this opportunity you have been given. Yes, some days will be hard--but as a friend said recently "my worst days clean are better than any day using." Truth. Sometimes you won't like each other very much. There are some days I don't like my own husband---but I appreciate, respect and love him and know he works hard for his family.
5. Be good to your supervisors and leaders. They have been through so many life experiences that can help you...
and follow rules. Rules are in place for a reason. If you break little rules, it gets easier to break big rules. Don't break or bend any rules and you will learn far more from structure and obedience than you will ever learn by manipulating a system. Your addictive ways make you naturally want to push the limits. Don't do it. Encourage each other to be leaders. Encourage rules and follow them yourself so others will see you as a good example.
I'm going to write you all, but that was a little preview. Addi warned you I am a toughie to please. :)
I feel so blessed today. I got to be with my babies. I got to see my daughter smile. I got to hug her and kiss her and I got to tell her I love her. I got to hear "Mom, I love you." Thank you, Addi, for a wonderful weekend of hope, faith and calm. I love you and am sooooooo proud of you.
So...I dedicate this to Tammy, Alissa, Melanie, Marsha, Stacy, Teresa, April, Brenda and any other mom that didn't get to do that today because their child is gone. You weighed on my heart all day long. I prayed for each of you.
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