My son is getting married in June; my little one turns 4 tomorrow; this is our first Spring without college football in 5 years and the office I work for is in the middle of a hectic move. The move itself wasn't hectic but AT&T is killin' me. They cannot get our phones and Internet in sync and its making me INSANE. On top of that, my poster campaign for schools is being completed--but looks like most schools won't have them in until the following year since it's almost time for summer. I'm constantly thinking of other places I would like to put them, such as jails, juvenile detention centers, the courthouse hallway---places that so many see. I want to change lives, I want to open conversation. I want to get people the help they need.
My son's blog has had a positive response from so many people. He said he felt such a peace about writing it. He's writing and helping others and Addi is receiving letters from many people she did not expect, who are helping her. Generous outpouring of love from so many people. She has received letters from close friends and family that mean so much to her. Addi is not a "crier." She is tough. She internalizes everything which isn't a good thing being an addict. She read me a letter tonight from her cousin Syd that made her sob. She said she had read it 3 times. It was beautifully written and it said something to her that she had been really harboring some pain about---her dad. After reading my son's blog, I realized that their pain from their dad's behavior or lack of interest in their lives, has effected them both far more than I even fathomed or recognized. I knew it hurt them, but I didn't know they felt "abandoned" or "walked out on." Addi said that she felt God was talking to her through Sydney's letter telling her --"You have a dad. He is your stepdad. He's been there through the hardest parts of your life. Be grateful for your blessing rather than focusing on someone else's absence." It really spoke to her heart at a time she needed it.
Something that bothered me in my son's blog and I feel I must clear up is this--- he referred to his dad as "walking out on us." I almost changed the wording on it when I uploaded it but I thought, "No, it's his words." Anyone that knows me and knows my life knows that I have not been a perfect mother, perfect person or perfect wife. I feel the need to defend their dad a bit...but I asked my son, "Can you tell me why you used those choice of words? Because I left the house. I filed for divorce." He stated "Mom, it was not about the divorce. It was about moving an hour away when I was 16. It was about the way he stopped talking to Addi way longer than that. I have felt he walked out on me as I've grown older-not during your divorce. I feel like she must have felt that way for a long time before then and that hurts me because now I know how she must have felt all those years before." Okay, that makes sense. I can see how they feel that way or how he feels that way. I just have never wanted my children to ever feel that I want them to resent their dad or that I made perfect decisions because nothing is further from the truth. I realize that if their dad wanted to be in their lives today, that his five minutes of attention would possibly mean more than my five years and that is just the way it goes in life. As I got to thinking further back on things, it bothered me even more because it angers me that he put them in the position to even feel that way. Any time someone rejects or hurts your kids, it hurts you. It angers you. I know deep in my heart that he loves them. How could he not? I know they love him...sometimes though, people reach a limit--they can't handle the hurt any more...so they give up. Maybe it's best if my kids gave up yearning for his acceptance or attention. His love or lack of attention does not define them. In fact, it may have made them stronger in ways. They reached their limit. I can't blame them for that. I just want them to know that it is not a reflection on them, it is not about them--it is something he must live with when he looks in the mirror. I will happily take credit for both of them, their mistakes, their achievements, their personalities, their successes and their failures. I will take it all, the good and the bad. I too, reached my limit when it came to him.
Sometimes though, people we love are so negatively influencing in our lives in ways that hinder our growth that you have to let them go. Friends, relatives, etc. sometimes even our parents. So many addicts that reach out to me in messages are struggling to stay clean, while their parents are still addicts. Same with boyfriends/girlfriends and even spouses. Sometimes you must step away from that relationship for awhile and give yourself the space to sort it out.
I've been watching the news and some of the same young men getting arrested over and over and over again. Two or three days later, I see them with the same people who they got arrested with, and making the same dumb choices. I just wonder, what does it take? Is that not the wake up call you need? Did your friend dying last month, not cause you to have a wake up call? Are you waiting until you die from an overdose? What is the limit?
How many friends must die, must be arrested, must be incarcerated before you wake up and think "hey, maybe this isn't the crowd for me?--I've reached my limit."
I've been talking to so many young people on here that I want to lead to help--but I'm not going to chase you. Been there, done that, with my daughter. It doesn't work. Chasing an addict is like chasing the wind. You are never going to catch them. Until they have reached their limit, this cycle will continue. I can blog until my heart is content, but if they don't truly want to get help--they aren't going to.
So what is your limit? Robbery charges? Death of a girlfriend? Death of many friends? Track marks in your arms? Losing custody or visitation rights to your child? Being homeless? What if your limit is "I'm going to rehab tomorrow" and you shoot up and die? What if your last pill ends up costing you your life? I won't seek you out. I care about all of you, but I won't play the cat and mouse game with addicts. It's a senseless waste of time . All I know is your time is running out. This cat and mouse game is going to end if you don't reach your "limit" soon.
Parents and spouses of addicts--what is YOUR limit? You really should ask yourselves that question. The best book I ever read in the self-help section was "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You." Best advice I ever got. It taught me that I can't change her behavior and I wasn't going to let her rob me of my life and happiness too. Set YOUR limit.
So--to those who REALLY want help...when you reach that limit, reach out for help. I will help you find help...but I will not chase you down...because I reached my limit long ago. When you reach that limit--you will know. I hope you reach it soon. It's staring you in the face. Please know your limit before its too late.
No comments:
Post a Comment